SPARKED BY REMOVAL OF BAN ON RAINBOW JELLO, CHURCH TO REVIEW RELATIONSHIP WITH KRAFT

MINI MISSIONARY LESSON: IS THE CHURCH HOMOPHOBIC

With the lowering of the mission age, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is doing its part to help train young men for the rigors and blessings of doing God’s work. As part of this effort, Elder Kory Anton, who is hoping to clear things up and return to the mission field very soon, offers his insights to help others prepare.

Do Not Get the Wrong Idea from this BYU Art Museum
Installation Art Piece

Believe it or not, sometimes people ask missionaries questions that just seem so obvious that you might not know what to say. Never fear. Here are some tips for dealing with what some missionaries erroneously call “tough questions.” These are all pretty easy when you think about it. Today’s question is:

Is the Church Homophobic?

First, “homophobic” means afraid of gays, and clearly we are not afraid of gays any more than we are afraid of murderers, child molesters, or coffee drinkers. We know that so long as all of them repent of their terrible wickedness then they can get whatever glory might be available for them. Those who suffer from the grievous affliction of same-sex attraction should just trust God and He will take away their affliction just like He heals drug addicts, Democrats, and all of those brown people who come to this country illegally.

Second, the Church has a right to decide who should be in the church and members have a responsibility to make sure people only feel as welcome as God wants them to feel. We don’t want coffee drinkers or adulterers or Socialists to believe that God’s grace will cover them without lots of clear, public repentance so that we can all know their hearts. Therefore, when we see a guy with a pink shirt, or an earring, or who compares the Gospel to Broadway musicals, it is every member’s responsibility to make it clear to him that if he is as gay as he seems then he is not accepted by God. God’s disapproval of him should be clear in our every interaction with him! The same goes for girls with really short hair and who don’t seem eager to please others, especially men. Those women need to know that the pain of being a social outcast because of their same-sex attraction is how we all make sure they have sufficient godly sorrow for sin.

Third, missionaries should probably not waste their time teaching gay people. Missionary work is easier if you pre-screen people, so that if they already look like a nice Mormon family then teach them. Bringing someone that doesn’t really fit in in church is just an annoyance for everyone. Remember that the Comforter helps all of us feel safe and protected within our comfort zone.

Finally, remember back in the October, 2013 General Conference, when Elder Soares talked about an African saint named Brother Moses Mahlangu? That should be a lesson to all of us. Brother Mahlangu learned patience and meekness by not being allowed to be in church. Gays can also learn about those importantly godly qualities in a similar manner, and it is our role as saints to occasionally prop a window open for them. When the righteous know where they belong and when sinners know that they must repent of their chosen sinfulness then we can all say that, in truth, all is well in Zion, yea Zion prospers!

Some missionaries might be tempted by Satan to not accept the truths presented above. Such missionaries might believe that members should be compassionate toward everyone, that missionaries should share the gospel with everyone, and that all of us should leave judgment to those with a stewardship and with the Lord. Those people may also wonder, sinfully, if the day might come when gays are as accepted as Black people. That will never happen because God’s ways never, ever, ever change, because God wants everyone to be productive and have children, because of all of Jesus’ clear teachings in the New Testament about the evils of gayness (which I cannot seem to find right now, but they are there!), and because that is just gross. When it comes right down to it, if you have such sinful ideas, you at least lack faith in Church leaders and you’re probably gay.

Finally, have confidence in God’s work. Just like the hymn “High on a Mountain Top” says, we can trust that Zion’s banner and light will indeed “attract the gaze / of all the world in latter days.”

All the best,

Elder Kory Anton

MEXICAN CHILDREN USE ELABORATE TUNNEL TO ESCAPE NURSERY

Similar though far inferior tunnel recently found in Mexico

Guadalajara, Mexico—In a complex scheme involving hours of digging, reduced nap time, and perhaps dozens of Sunbeams, 4 children used an elaborate tunnel to escaped from the Guadalajara, El Rincón ward’s nursery.

“One minute I was working with the kids, I turned to see why one child was crying, and when I looked back they had vanished,” said Sister Eugenia González Molina, one of two women assigned to work in the nursery. “Lucky for us the Bishop installed a surveillance system just a few weeks ago, so we saw on the tape how they opened a trapped door under the snack table and slipped out.”

Ward and stake investigators have been called in to assess the situation. What they found was a sophisticated tunnel dug directly under the church building. Reported one stake leader who would not give his name, “when we sent our Valients to investigate the tunnel, they reported that it was equipped with lighting, air conditioning, and juice boxes.”

The escape plan seems to have targeted one particular child, a notorious boy who has been a ringleader in acquiring extra fruit snacks for some of the kids. Ward leaders had been keeping an eye on this boy, known as “El Chupito,” after finding stains on the carpet from where he had smuggled drinks with red dye in them into the church.

“We are worried that these kids are still on the loose,” reported one official, “but what really concerns us is how many Primary board members must have looked the other way or been too intimidated to say anything as this plot to free El Chupito was developing.” After some speculation about who might be involved, the same official added that “one wonders how high up the corruption goes!”

CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE VICTIM DOESN’T REALIZE WHAT A GREAT MOTHER, WIFE SHE IS

This Sister May Have Reassured Shelton

DERRY, NH—Area woman Hannah Shelton, though a victim of still painful childhood sexual abuse, is a fabulous mother and wife and doesn’t even realize it.

“Oh, I work hard not to dwell on the past, you know, and I just try to do what I can,” said Shelton. What Shelton does not realize is that her heroic and faithful efforts to deal with that past have helped to make her the loving, compassionate, and courageous woman that powerfully blesses the lives of her 5 children as well as her husband.

Researchers over the past decade or so have seen more and more overlap with victims of childhood sexual abuse and traumatized soldiers returning from battle. Some of those common symptoms include long-term consequences like a higher incidence of depression, intrusive flashback memories, hypervigilance, maladaptive coping skills, dysfunctional social skills, and an overactive stress response. One would think that such weighty obstacles would destroy someone, but it some ways those very obstacles have helped sister Shelton grow.

It is common for Shelton to express apprehension at how often she feels “blue” or how she just struggles trying to do everything she thinks she should do. But for someone with a much higher risk for depression, Shelton tries to do what she can, and then accepts what she cannot do. As she commented during a recent Relief Society lesson, “you know, sometimes I feel so discouraged, and then I try to get quiet, you know, all over, and have faith enough to hear my Heavenly Parents tell me how much They love me and how they accept the offerings I can make, even if my efforts sometimes seem like the ‘widow’s mite’.”

Shelton also has to battle with intrusive flashback memories and hypervigilance. This has affected her relationship with her husband Matt. Said Hannah, “yah, it has been a very rocky road at times with Matt, and I worry, deep down, that he might be better off without me.” Wiping away a tear, Hannah continued, “we’ve had lots of talks and he has always been patient, kind, and loving, especially when I have had the courage to confide in him.” Hannah continued that, “we’ve had to develop some code words that let him know, um, where I am and what I need. One night, for example, I really needed to be held, you know, just held, and he was watching a football game that was a big deal to him. Well, it took some time, but he could see that I needed him, so he turned off the game and snuggled with me. For some reason, the code word I say in similar situations is ‘Omaha, Omaha’.”

Hannah worries constantly that her fears will have a negative impact on her children. In this, she has learned to trust Matt, and, working together, they do their best to combine Matt’s easy-going nature, seemingly eternal optimism, and confidence with Hannah’s eagle-eye for potential dangers. Matt works hard to always be loyal and supportive of his wife around the kids, especially the teenagers.

For his part, Matt has never regretted his marriage, relationship, and friendship with Hannah. As Matt put it, “I only wish she could see how amazing, how powerful, how faithful she is! I could never be that strong, and I’m glad I get to do my small part to support her. And I don’t think I’ll ever meet someone with a testimony as powerful as Hannah’s of the power of Christ’s atonement.”   

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