With the lowering of the mission age, the Mormon
Tabernacle Enquirer is doing its part to help train young men for the rigors
and blessings of doing God’s work. As part of this effort, Elder Kory Anton,
who is hoping to clear things up and return to the mission field very soon,
offers his insights to help others prepare.
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| Girl Missionaries: They are not all Unmarriable Feminists and Fatties anymore! |
One of the first things new missionaries realize is that “this
ain’t your father or that cool uncle’s mission field anymore!” Back in the day,
there weren’t so many girl missionaries, and the few that those guys had to
deal with were either feminists or fatties. Not so anymore. Now there are just
as many girl missionaries as there are Elders, and let me tell you, plenty of
them are smokin’ hot! In the past I’ve spoken about dating Laurels and some of
those possible pitfalls. Today I’m going to help you figure out how to work
with girl missionaries.
I should say right from the start that some don’t like
being called “girl missionaries.” Don’t get me started about all of this “politically
correct” garbage which really just amounts to girls and brown people who want to be offended. I mean really—they are girls and they are missionaries.
What is the problem with “girl missionaries?” I would love to suggest the
obvious—call them “missionaries who are not Elders,” but that takes too long to
say. What is easiest is to say “hey you,” when addressing them directly or
saying “lady missionaries” at other times. Some missionaries use the term “Sister
Missionaries,” but that easily confuses non-Mormons who watch a lot of Sister Wives.
Besides what to call the girl missionaries, there are
really two approaches to working with them. The first way to deal with them is
to avoid them and any interaction with them when at all possible. The second
approach is to realize that any girl missionary might be your destined soul
mate, so you should probe her soul as thoroughly as possible. Okay, so these
are very different approaches, but not every elder is the same, so I’m hoping
you are smart enough to use whichever one works best for you.
The avoid approach is just like it sounds. Wherever you
go, pretend that the girl missionaries are not there. Don’t stand by them, open
doors for them, lug their suitcases with 80 pounds of makeup around for them,
or acknowledge that they exist at all. This is easily done by always hanging
out with other elders, pretending you are busy or are reading your scriptures
or something, or by quietly faking a stroke. (Wikipedia has a list of signs you
might be having a stroke as a handy reference.)
Make sure to not notice a girl missionary’s face, hair, torso, backside,
legs, ankles, or cute yet sensible shoes. If she isn’t wearing a burka (and
heaven knows I’ve written the First Presidency about it!), pretend that she is.
If she addresses you and you feel compelled to respond, remember that that is
how it all got started with Adam and Eve.
Avoidance is God’s way of keeping you from all evil, but
there will come a time in your life when you will feel certain urges, urges
that cannot be avoided. For those urges you will need a soul mate, and we all
know people who found their urge-satisfying soul mate in the mission field.
Since that is the case, the other best way for working with girl missionaries
is to examine and test each one to see if the Holy Ghost will witness to your
soul in that very instant if she is the eternal helpmeet that God has given
over to you to be by your side for ever and ever. Look deeply into her eyes at
even the most casual encounters. Shake her hand extra, extra long; that can let
the truth be known to both of your souls. In a light and fun-loving way, get
her first name, so that you can say things like, “so, how are you, (long, soul-connecting
pause) Peggy?” And then end everything you say to her with her name: “You are
great at doing missionary things…Peggy” or “I think that missionaries like you
have a special ability to bless the lives of Elders…Peggy.” Comments like that will make
it clear very quickly if she is your God-given eternal soul mate.
Girl missionaries don’t cause nearly as many problems as
you might be worried about, and I would say that the real key isn’t some crazy
foolishness about them being equal partners in God’s work who want respect and
genuine appreciation. No, the real key is keeping in mind that you are
commanded to be a missionary; for her, it is just extra credit.
The Best of Luck,
Elder Kory Anton
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