LDS CHURCH IN TRADE TALKS TO BOLSTER CONFERENCE LINEUP

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—In a move that Church leaders hope will bolster the April General Conference lineup, reports have come out of Salt Lake about possible trades for top talent from other churches.

According to one source who could not be named, “they are looking seriously at a couple of Catholic cardinals, a charismatic Alabama Baptist preacher, and even a Lutheran and a Presbyterian.” That same source said that “the search seems to be for someone new and refreshing who might help everyone step up his game, even if he has to come off of the bench, or, in this case, off of the cushioned chair.”

   

There have been several trade issues that have come up in the process. As another informant put it, “the Anglicans want pretty large transfer fees for priests who still have time on their contracts, but they’d like to move them before the (LDS) Church gets them as a free transfer.” That has not been the only problem. According to another source, “the Seventh-Day Adventists want a couple of Third Quorum of the Seventy draft picks for one of their top ministers.”

News of these negotiations has come as quite a surprise for many members of the Mormon church. “I really didn’t know anything about this,” said David Norton, “until I got to the mission field.” Norton said that in his mission, which he could not name for church drafting security purposes, “missionaries are required to baptize at least two 4- or 5-Star recruits during their time in the field.” Norton added that “the church is always looking toward next season’s recruiting class and does not just rely on their minors leagues (comprised of BYU presidents, corporate executives, and insurance agents).”

Church insiders have noted that some of the talent may not be developed like it could. As a third source who is in charge of church recruiting and development mused, “last year around Conference time, as I was thinking about bolstering next year’s lineup, I saw a large line of people in the evening who were not allowed in, they seemed smart and passionate, and it made me wonder how they could help the team.”