CAPTAIN MORONI’S WIFE BRENDA GIVES HIM FEEDBACK ON CLOTHING CARE, DIPLOMATIC CORRESPONDENCE

Series Note: As part of its Lost Writings of the Book of Mormon series, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is pleased to reveal to the world a previously unpublished document from the time and people described in the Book of Mormon.

Dear Monimoni*

My fervent prayers go out to the Lord for your continued safety as we are all caught up in this terrible war with the Lamanites. 

As you know, I’m very, very proud of you. You are a superb husband, father, and leader of this people. And I fully support your efforts to rally the people, but I have to say that just about the time that I get your clothes hemmed up you send me another tunic that you have again ripped up and written all over. I can understand your love of banners. Who doesn’t love a good banner?! And I was happy with those first ones, since, after all, you wrote them on some older outfits. But honey, could we dial back on that a bit? The last banner you made was on your new robe, and I’m not sure that “Amalickiah Sucks Lehi Rocks” is your best rallying cry, but maybe that is just me.

And that really brings me to my main point, honey. I got a copy of the letter you plan on sending to Ammoron, and I have a couple of editorial changes you might want to consider. Maybe you weren’t paying attention in Diplomatic Writing 101 class, but remember that the first rule is “Consider your Audience.” Of course I don’t know Ammoron and you are the leader of the armies, but maybe leading off with the justice of God is not how you want to start. Sure, I get it; the sword of the Lord’s almighty wrath does hang over his head, and, sure, he is pulling down the anger of God upon himself, but maybe we could build to that. I’m also not sure that describing your interlocutor as a child of hell is the sort of kick off to a dialogue that you want to go with. That said, there are some solid things in the middle that you should definitely keep.

With that feedback in mind, here’s a new version of the letter that you might consider: 

Behold, Ammoron, I have written unto you somewhat concerning this war. I will exchange prisoners with you under these conditions: that you deliver up a man and his wife and children for one of your men who is currently our prisoner. I am Moroni; I am a leader of the people of the Nephites.

Now, I know how you get when I give you unsolicited advice, and, knowing you, you may have already sent the letter, but I think that my revision gets right to your key points. 

Well, in any case, may the Lord continue to bless you and this people as you fight for our liberty and lives. I love and cherish you, and cannot wait for you to be back in my arms. When I miss you, I think about all of the great times we have shared. One of my favorite memories is that crazy party at Nephoran and Patty’s house and the prank we pulled, you know, the party where we felt trapped by all of those boring people, so we decided to get all of them drunk and escaped but then we thought it would be fun to came back early in the morning with weapons and threatened them unless they promised to never invite us over again. Good times.

Love,

Brenda

PS: If you ever find that you have other letters you are writing, you know, like to Shiblon, to your friend Pahoran, or to Carl, remember to not jump to hasty conclusions. If in doubt, you know, about what might being going on, send a postcard that says something like, “Dude, Wassup?”

*Monimoni is apparently Captain Moroni’s wife Brenda’s nickname for him