MORE GANG VIOLENCE ERUPTS BETWEEN PROMINENT LDS BLOGGERS

One of many slanderous cross stitches
that has recently surfaced in Salt Lake

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Violence again has erupted between prominent LDS bloggers. The violence, which broke out over the weekend when competing bloggers were in Salt Lake City ahead of the church’s General Conference, seems to stem from several long-standing disputes. Those disputes include who actually started the bloggernacle, which blog does the most to improve Zion, and which blog worries the church’s leadership the most.

“This year it was pretty bad,” said one blogger who did not want to give her affiliation.“At one point everything was just blood, rage, and semi-coherent comments like ‘it is your Times and Seasons to die,’ ‘you are all Dove and no Serpent,’ or ‘oh, I will give you some Instruction, Juvenile!’”

Emergency room reports indicate a number of rather serious injuries. When asked about those injuries, hospital staff told the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer that, “apparently the Modern Mormon Men saw some bloggers from Feminist Mormon Housewives and Zelophenhad’s Daughters and said things like, ‘hey, you don’t have to cover up those shoulders for me,’ or ‘I’ll unload your dishwasher,” or, most offensive of all, ‘I find your modesty attractive,’ and apparently that is how those men ended up here.”

Stoking the violence has been some rather unusual threats. Police reports indicate that a “pastel cross stitch was left outside a conference room where bloggers where meeting. The cross stitch said, ‘Soon it will just be Wheat and Tears for all of you!’” 

“What we found,” reported Salt Lake City police officer Oliver Jensen, “was that accusations of conformity or being ‘almost correlated’ got the strongest reaction.” Jensen gave the example of a blogger, known only as “The Voice of the Uncommon Malcontent,” slanderously shouting at bloggers from Rational Faiths that their posts “sounded like they were ghost written by [Elder Boyd K] Packer.” Jensen continued that, “once we heard language like that, the Molotov cocktails, samurai swords, and jagged, broken bottles of consecrated oil would soon be all over the place!”

When asked about the violence and the Church leadership’s concerns about criticism and activism on LDS blogs, Elder Robert D. Hales, the apostle in charge of Electronic Communication Correlation, said, “wait, what’s a blog?” 

THE MORMON TABERNACLE ENQUIRER GUIDE TO REJECTED OPENING LINES FOR THE BOOK OF MORMON

MINI MISSIONARY LESSON: HOW TO STRENGTHEN YOUR FAITH AS A MISSIONARY

With the lowering of the mission age, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is doing its part to help train young men for the rigors and blessings of doing God’s work. As part of this effort, Elder Kory Anton, who is hoping to clear things up and return to the mission field very soon, offers his insights to help others prepare. 

Don't be fooled: This is exactly how he did it!

Spending time talking with people about the only true and living church every day is really great! But let me just say, if you do it wrong, you can end up with a lot of pesky questions and maybe even doubts. If there is one great thing about being a Mormon missionary it is knowing that you are always right, that you have all of the correct answers, and that no one is as right as you are. To keep just as strong as possible that completely unwavering faith, here are some tips.

One: You Have the Keys to the Only Right Path for Everyone
Remember that you have the keys to the only path that actually leads to God. It is a modern day heresy, like saying “sometimes prophets make mistakes” or “Joseph Smith had sex with more wives than just Emma” or “Diet Coke is not a sin” to say that someone can be a Baptist or a Buddhist or a Ute and still get to the highest level of the Celestial kingdom. When people say, “well, there are many roads to God,” tell them that there is one faith, one baptism, and only one super right path that God wants every single person to follow.

Two: Use Science very Selectively
We know that most science is controlled by the devil, and that God lets him use it to allow the weak and faithless to show their true colors. Science uses things like fossils and elaborate guesses about how old stuff is to try to make people doubt that the earth is about 6,000 years old or that Adam named all of the animals. Science usually helps sinners who want to reject God, drink wine, or be gay. But sometimes we can take the power back from Satan and use it for good. For example, when someone asks why they should not drink tea, use science to tell them that tea has tannic acid, which is a chemical so strong that it is used to tan hides. Clearly God would not want you drinking that chemical, which would at least discolor your insides.

Three: Remember that You have All of the Right Answers
Most importantly, remember that you have all of the right answers no matter what. Some missionaries get into big trouble when they are teaching. They get too close to investigators. Soon those missionaries are actually listening to some Catholic who has felt “really inspired by Pope Francis or Mary.” Missionaries might start to believe that someone could have a spiritual experience in the dark, satanic gloom of a Great and Abominable church. Nothing could be more dangerous for a missionary than to be tempted to think that spiritual experiences happen outside of the Mormon church, Scout camp, or BYU sports events. Remember that faith means never having a question or doubt, and it is certainly the opposite of taking risks! If doubts arise, your first answer should not be to pray, since God will be upset at your lack of faith. No, the proper response is to be more obedient and all of the questions will go away.

Let me reassure you that the scriptures, General Conference, the Proclamation, and what your mission president says answer all questions completely. You have the truth, and that means you have the answers for any question, whether that question is about politics, foreign policy, economics, family planning, parenting, marriage, divorce, career planning, addiction, modesty, Bible translation, archaeology, philosophy, art, or baby names. Ever since Joseph “lacked wisdom” and got his answer, the church has never had any questions, doubts, or concerns; it is only the unbaptized or faithless who still doubt.

The Best of Luck,

Elder Kory Anton

PS: This article, this article, and this article are probably from Satan--Avoid!

THE MORMON TABERNACLE ENQUIRER GUIDE TO CONTROVERSIAL ISSUES SOON TO BE ADDRESSED ON LDS.ORG

As the church has been issuing clarifications of controversial issues on LDS.org, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer gives you the exclusive scoop on upcoming clarifications.

LDS CHURCH IN TRADE TALKS TO BOLSTER CONFERENCE LINEUP

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—In a move that Church leaders hope will bolster the April General Conference lineup, reports have come out of Salt Lake about possible trades for top talent from other churches.

According to one source who could not be named, “they are looking seriously at a couple of Catholic cardinals, a charismatic Alabama Baptist preacher, and even a Lutheran and a Presbyterian.” That same source said that “the search seems to be for someone new and refreshing who might help everyone step up his game, even if he has to come off of the bench, or, in this case, off of the cushioned chair.”

   

There have been several trade issues that have come up in the process. As another informant put it, “the Anglicans want pretty large transfer fees for priests who still have time on their contracts, but they’d like to move them before the (LDS) Church gets them as a free transfer.” That has not been the only problem. According to another source, “the Seventh-Day Adventists want a couple of Third Quorum of the Seventy draft picks for one of their top ministers.”

News of these negotiations has come as quite a surprise for many members of the Mormon church. “I really didn’t know anything about this,” said David Norton, “until I got to the mission field.” Norton said that in his mission, which he could not name for church drafting security purposes, “missionaries are required to baptize at least two 4- or 5-Star recruits during their time in the field.” Norton added that “the church is always looking toward next season’s recruiting class and does not just rely on their minors leagues (comprised of BYU presidents, corporate executives, and insurance agents).”

Church insiders have noted that some of the talent may not be developed like it could. As a third source who is in charge of church recruiting and development mused, “last year around Conference time, as I was thinking about bolstering next year’s lineup, I saw a large line of people in the evening who were not allowed in, they seemed smart and passionate, and it made me wonder how they could help the team.”