AREA LAUREL ABOUT TO JOIN FIRST DRUG- AND ALCOHOL-FUELED ORGY STOPPED IN HER TRACKS BY MEMORY OF LAST SUNDAY’S PARTICULAR SPIRITUAL YOUNG WOMEN’S CLASS HANDOUT

Artists Rendition of Possible Handout

COLUMBIA, SC-- Area Laurel Isabel Pelley was about to indulge in her very first drug- and alcohol-fueled orgy when she was stopped in her tracks by the memory of last Sunday’s Young Women’s class handout. “I don’t know where I’d be right now, probably making some hung-over, tweaked-out walk-of-shame from Brad’s house,” reported Isabel, “if the memory of [Laurel Class Advisor] Sister Vasquez’s handout on that dusty pink paper had not flashed before my eyes.”

The young sister Pelley stated that, “Brad had been kinda pressuring me for weeks, and I had said no, but, I don’t know, I sorta didn’t want to disappoint him.” Isabel went on to explain that, “so, we were on our way, when, like a light or something, I could see in my mind the lacy border around that handout, and I just knew that I couldn’t go through with it.” 

Isabel reported that when she told Brad that she had changed her mind, “he started to get all sweet on me, sayin’ that it would be fun and that it was no big deal.” Somewhat persuaded by the young man’s pleas, Isabel indicated that “I started to listen to him, but when he spoke I could see his words in the perfect font that Sister Vasquez had used, you know, the one that looks casual but spiritual.”

“When Brad started to get a little upset,” elaborated Isabel, “I just pictured the clip-art that was at the bottom, and I just knew then and there that whiskey, meth, and sex, and all for the first time, could never take the place of spiritual things in my life, like, you know, whatever was on that handout.”

When asked about the exact content of the handout, Isabel said, “I don’t really remember--it might have been a quote by somebody or something. I think it’s in my scriptures but it might be on the floor in the van.” Unconfirmed sources indicate that the handout, like last Sunday’s lesson, most likely addressed tithing.