SATAN WORKING ON SPIRIT-CANCELLING HEADPHONES

GAHENNA—Sources inside Satan’s Kingdom indicate that he may be trying to develop Spirit-cancelling headphones. Those sources report that Hell’s technology wing, Siren Systems, is working on headphones that will block the gentle whisperings of the Holy Ghost so that missionaries will not “stop at one last place,” home teachers will not “give that family a call,” and Relief Society teachers will not “rethink the centerpiece and handouts.” The same unnamed sources indicate that this will go a long way in preventing the sort of “spontaneous and inspired acts” that so often foil carefully laid demonic plans.

Reports outline how Siren Systems, an acronym meaning “Satanic Inspiration-Removal Electronic Nanotechnologies” is also developing noise-generating headphones that will serve the same function. Leaked emails (“e” not for “electronic” but for “evil”) describe the noise-generating headphones as “providing victims with a long list of things to do, past sins, present shortcomings, reasons why a spouse is evil, or vuvuzela trio concertos” that prevent people from hearing the still, small voice. The email explains that “the sounds of busyness can be just as useful as heavy metal music in keeping people from hearing God.”

Though the product has a number, the MTE-666, the name has not been finalized, though some want to call them “Beats by Dread.”

CHURCH UPDATES PAINTINGS FOR HISTORICAL ACCURACY

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—The church has begun a process of updating some paintings to enhance historical accuracy.  The first such update is to a painting called Joseph’s Last Farewell.  A church spokesman commented that the updated version “gives a greater sense of the polygamous relationships Joseph had at the end of his life.”

THE FRIEND TO COVER RECENT SUPREME COURT RULING

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—According to reports, The Friend’s August 2013 issue will feature an article addressing the recent Supreme Court Ruling on DOMA or the Defense of Marriage Act.

The article, titled “We Are All Friends,” will explain the implications of the ruling for Primary-aged LDS children who may feel confused. Sources indicate that the cover picture will show “very concerned grandparents reading the newspaper or watching television,” while children in the foreground “smile, play, and hold hands, seemingly unaware of same-sex hand-holding taboos.”

Only a few unconfirmed details about the article's text have emerged. Reports indicate that the article will discuss the work of the Supreme Court saying that “some nice people who wear funny black shower curtains to work have been thinking about families.” It goes on to elaborate that “now, even if you have two daddies or two mommies, you are just as much their child and just as much a family.” 

Further reports indicate that children will be told that “having a mommy and a daddy is still just as nice, and now we can all feel like we belong.” To clarify other aspects of the ruling, including how divorced same-sex partners can now have custody rights, the article will explain that “kids with a different kind of parents will now, no matter what, get all of the blessings of having those people in their lives.”   

One illustration is said to show “a range of happy children playing together, obviously enjoying the spiritual, emotional, and financial benefits of marriage equality.”  

MTE INTERVIEW WITH TOM MOULD: POKING HIM WITH THE LONG POINTY STICK OF ZION’S FINEST QUESTIONS

The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer, Zion’s Finest News Source, is glad to give you, our dear readers, the in-depth and groundbreaking interviews that answer the real questions.  We are pleased to post this interview which we recently conducted with Tom Mould, author of Still, the Small Voice: Narrative, Personal Revelation, and The Mormon Folk Tradition. Though other, frankly lesser publications, may attempt similar interviews (and don’t think that we don’t see you, Dialogue!), only the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is willing to really poke current people with the long pointy stick of Zion’s finest questions.  As with all MTE interviews, this was conducted at an undisclosed location and without the victim's interviewee’s knowledge or consent. Cus that’s how we roll. 

MTE: If you had to guess, what secret sins do you think kept Romney from becoming president?

Tom Mould: I don’t really know what you mean by this question.  I’m not sure if it was secret sins…

MTE: Give us your reasons why Harry Reid might secretly be a Muslim?

Tom Mould: Wait, what? I don’t think Harry Reid is a Muslim.

MTE: Do you think that it is just a coincidence that after the Book of Mormon came forth, people starting using “moron” as an insult?

Tom Mould: Um, I really doubt that there is a connection, and please stop following me around this grocery store.

MTE: You study Mormonism, so of course you watched General Conference.  So, podium question: who wore the suit best: Andersen or Nielson?

Tom Mould: You know I’m an anthropologist, right? 

MTE: One more General Conference question: whose tie would you predict will be the real trend-setter as summer starts to heat up?

Tom Mould: Do I even know you?

MTE: Okay, so now let’s talk about your book: There are rumors that the movie rights are being shopped around Hollywood and Vernal.  If you could pick the actor that you want to play the lead, who would it be?

Tom Mould: Did you even read my book? 

MTE: One thing our readers noticed was how skillfully you handled the hot and steamy sex scenes by not including any.  Is this because you are saving them for your next book, or is it because you don’t feel that you are a good enough writer to incorporate vampires?

Tom Mould: Did you even look at the cover?

MTE: Do you feel like the last name Mould has ever held you back?  How about Tom?

Tom Mould: I didn’t until now. Wait, you’re not recording this, are you?

CONFESSIONS OF A DESIGNATED IN-BETWEEN DATE

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—My name is Brandon Welch, I’m 17, almost 18, and it seems like I’ve become the designated In-Between date. If you don’t know what that is, the designated In-Between date is a boy that takes out girls between the dates that they really want to go on. Last Saturday it was Bella Norton, who only went out with me because her parents make her go out with someone different every 3 dates. And, like the safe person that doesn’t drink so he can drive, I’m the designated, safe, In-Between date.

On the outside this seems like a pretty good gig. I get to go out with lots of girls. Sometimes I don’t even have to ask them. They will just come up to me, like when Sandy Koch asked if I wanted to go to a movie. She needed a designated In-Betweener so she could go to prom in three weeks with Alan Stevens. Sandy and Alan had already seen the movie, or, let me restate that, they had been in the dark room where the movie was playing. Sure, as the designated In-Between date I didn’t have to ask her out, but it turned out that she actually wanted to see the movie now that it was me and not Alan next to her. Bummer.

All of the girls I go out with would much rather be with someone else. Julie Thompson spent the whole time at Putt-Putt talking about Jeffrey Horner, all of the things that they had done together and what a great missionary he will be. I’m not sure that she understands some of the church’s rules or what makes a great missionary. And it seemed like a good idea when she said that she wanted to “try some things out on me,” but it wasn’t as much fun when she started whispering Jeffrey’s name. And I don’t even want to know what was up with that nickname!

Sometimes being the designated In-Between date can be okay. I get the inside scoop on lots of relationships, and I have learned a lot about how girls think. It isn’t all misery in the permanent friend zone. But I’m not sure that this is keeping kids from getting serious. Sometimes the girls just have me pick them up and then drop them off at some party, only to have me pick them up later.  I know that Bella is still upset about her family’s dating rule, and she said that half the reason she still sees Logan Price is because her parents don’t like him. She might have dumped him by now, but, let me tell you, it won’t be for the designated In-Betweener.