LDS PROFESSOR CONSIDERED "NUT JOB" WHEREVER HE GOES

Stuckley accidentally exposes his gospel doctrine class 
to the philosophies of men.

By Barley B. Bratt

FULLERTON, CA—Tanner Stuckley, literature professor at Cal State Fullerton and member of the Fullerton 3rd Ward, reports that everywhere he goes he is considered a “nut job.” 

Professor Stuckley’s teaching evaluations reflect substantial resistance on the part of his students to his religious affiliation, especially in light of Proposition 8. On a recent evaluation, one student commented, “He’s a nice enough guy—I mean, Mormons are really into ‘nice’ and s*** like that, but you can tell that behind that fascade (sic) is a rights-stealing homophobe, a Limbaugh-lovin’, willfully-blind flag waver, and a breeder of little smiling Borg! He did return our tests promptly, though.” 

Some of Stuckley’s colleagues seem to harbor similar views. In a confidential memo about Stuckley’s qualifications to lead the honors program, one faculty commented, “Stuckley does have family in Idaho, and we all know who was born in Idaho—modernist poet and fascist Ezra Pound.”

At church, Stuckley is considered a very different “nut job.” Stuckley’s wife has overheard a number of ward members comment about his use of an iPad during gospel doctrine class. One member commented that “he probably uses it to look up liberal philosophies of men to mix with the scriptures.” Another added member, “Yeah, like social justice, socialized healthcare, and, um, ethical relativistic positivism.” 

“He probably doesn’t even have the scriptures on it,” another member asserted. “It probably just has Clinton’s autobiography, Harry Reid’s speeches, and Sunstone.” 

Stuckley himself notes that he learned a long time ago not to mention that he works in the liberal arts department. “The one time I made that mistake,” he points out, “you’d have thought that I just said it was okay for the government to take its citizen’s automatic weapons, allow undocumented people to live here in peace, and grant rights gay people. But, they do seem to think that I somehow make a good ward mission leader.” 

Luckily for Stuckley, in spite of being considered a right-wing nut job at work and a left-wing nut job at church, within the confines of his own home—and especially with his two teenage daughters and one teenage son—he is cherished as a moderate and lovable nut job.