STEPHENIE MEYER CALLED AS YOUNG WOMEN GENERAL PRESIDENT

By Amy Chamberlain

SALT LAKE CITY—In a move that LDS young women are calling “wicked awesome” and “so freaking cool,” LDS Church spokesman Clive F. Burrell announced today that Stephenie Meyer, author of the enormously popular Twilight series, has been called as the newest Young Women General President. 

“Sister Meyer is a stalwart member with a strong testimony and a deep understanding of the gospel,” says Burrell. “Naturally, the youth of the Church are going to respond positively to such a role model.”

The announcement has been greeted with so much enthusiasm that this week’s issue of the Church News, which features a two-page spread on Sister Meyers, has become an instant collector’s item. 

“We don’t usually have trouble with the Church News selling out,” says a bewildered DeMarr Scraggs, general manager of Deseret Book. “But when the issue about Sister Meyer hit the shelves last Monday, a whole swarm of teenage girls and their moms descended on our flagship downtown store, screaming and giggling, and bought every one of them.” 

A similar scenario played out in every other Deseret Book throughout the Wasatch Front, though Scraggs was quick to point out that there are still plenty of back issues of the publication still available. “The same spirit inspired all the back issues as well as the current one,” he pointed out.

The announcement has had other repercussions as well. Tickets to this April’s General Conference, at which Meyers is rumored to be speaking, are selling on sites like eBay for as much as $300. Young women leader slots, which have always been hard to fill, are now in high demand. 

“I asked to be in the Young Women organization because I began to realize how much I love these girls,” says Lake Valley Fifteenth Ward member Lena Daggett. “Also, by happy circumstance, I’ll get to take my girls to the General Women’s Meeting where Stephenie Meyers will totally be speaking!” 

However, allegations that Young Women leaders have paid their bishops in exchange for their callings are unfounded.

The young women of the Cottonwood Hills Stake responded to the news with shrieks. “Shut up! Like, seriously, shut up! This is the coolest thing that’s ever, ever happened in church, ever, for my whole life,” says Brianna Cox, a Mia Maid. “I am totally going to wait for her after conference and see if she’ll sign my books.”

“I just have to get into the General Women’s meeting in September,” laments Hayley Wilkins, a Laurel. “Because I hear Sister Meyers is going to talk about how we can all snag our own personal Edwards. It’ll be the best.”

In the meantime, the Church is enjoying a tremendous surge in the attendance levels of mid-week Young Women activities and Young Women classes on Sundays. “We’re so pleased that the young women of the church can appreciate Sister Meyer’s special spirit and strong testimony,” says Burrell.