FOLLOW-UP STATEMENTS WHEN YOU TELL YOUR FAMILY YOU ARE LEAVING THE CHURCH

The great jazz musician Miles Davis is reported to have said, “When you hit a wrong note, it’s the next note that you play that determines if it’s good or bad.” The next note can make the situation worse, or it can make what seemed like a wrong note sound right. This is true for music, and it is double true when you are telling your family that you are leaving the church. After the initial, “I’m leaving” or “I have left the church,” what comes next can make all of the difference. Say the right thing, and you can smooth your path with your family out of the church. Botch this and no matter what you say they will take it as someone screaming how great tea tastes from the great and spacious building. So, like a well-cleared path out of Mormonism (and you can say that now), here is the Mormon (or maybe Exmormon) Tabernacle Enquirer guide to follow-up statements after telling your family that you are leaving the church.  

CHURCH DISCONTINUES USE OF LONG-STANDING NURSERY MANUAL TITLED “SHE’S NEVER COMING BACK!”

The Wildly Popular
though Now Discontinued Manual

Salt Lake City, UT—The church announced today that it is discontinuing the use of its long-standing Nursery manual titled “She’s Never Coming Back!”

“That manual has been like scripture for us,” said Max Fielding, who works in the Nursery with his wife Kelly in the Terra Haute Third ward. “It is because of the manual’s music suggestion that I got back into the guitar.” Fielding elaborated that “it really set the right tone for the little kids when they heard the amplifier playing ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ on so many sabbath mornings.” Fielding reported bringing his acoustic guitar so that, later on, he could play another song the manual suggested—the classic Eagles’ tune “Hotel California.”

The manual also suggested games that proved very popular over time. Said Natalie Springs of Boca Raton, Florida, “Oh, the kids always had so much fun with the Mad Libs game with words removed from the sacrament prayers.”

Another favorite game was She’s Never Coming Back Matching. In this version of the classic matching game, Nursery leaders had small pictures of the kids that the children then had to match with the picture of their mother. In this variation, Nursery leaders would discreetly remove the pictures of the mothers so that the kids could never find their match.  

Sandy Richmond of College Park, Maryland said this of the manual: “the snack suggestions were excellent! The kids loved the combination of Oreos, jalapeno potato chips in ranch dressing, lemonade, and kimchi!”

“I for one plan on keeping the classic closing song,” said Jamie Perkins of El Paso Texas. “It just won’t be Nursery for me if the kids don’t leave singing the music of ‘Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam’ but with the lyrics “Jesus Said I Don’t Need a Car Seat.”

CHURCH ANNOUNCES NEW LDS PLUS PROGRAM

Early Concept for a Program Logo

Salt Lake City, UT—At a morning press conference broadcast from Church headquarters, spokesperson Hillary Markeson announced the new LDS Plus program. “We are very excited,” said Markeson, “about how this program will give unprecedented access and freedom for those who value their membership enough to pitch in a little more to build the kingdom.” Markeson followed up that “for a mere one percent more in one’s annual tithing donations, members will get VIS treatment.” When asked if she meant “VIP,” Markeson clarified that no, “VIS” means “Very Important Saint.”

The bulk of the press conference was given over to describing the program’s “many temporal and spiritual benefits.” LDS Plus members would get, according to Markeson, priority sacrament delivery. Asked to clarify that, Markeson explained that special, “extra worthy” deacons would pass the sacrament to LDS Plus members immediately after the meeting’s presiding authority. 

When reporters asked Markeson if Plus members would finally be able to reserve seats that they or their families sit in every Sunday, Markeson promised that this option would be coming in late 2022 or early 2023. She said that church building authorities were still working on a system that would keep people, often visitors or new members, from sitting where some members always sit. Markeson elaborated that “we’re still working on an Interloper Removal System involving several small, discreet tasers.”

Besides priority sacrament delivery, LDS Plus members would get access to any non-Elders-Quorum-sanctioned-but-with-all-of-the-cool-brothers fantasy sports leagues. “Everyone wants to be included,” said Markeson “and no man wants to feel left out during sacrament meeting when someone whispers to a disappointed male friend that his running back just got him 11 points.”

Markeson’s LDS Plus presentation crescendoed with the program’s final two benefits. The first was “a lower threshold of acceptance into the church educational welfare program that is Brigham Young University’s three campuses.” Revised categorization would give LDS Plus members advantages in getting into BYU. LDS Plus members in Utah would have the advantage of being classified as “Non-Utahn, living in some heathen place like the Dakotas or the entire East Coast.” Female LDS Plus members applying from east of the Mississippi would be classified as “males who need BYU to not screw up their lives.” Male LDS Plus members from that same region would be flagged as “We have to get some guys into BYU so that women can find husbands.”

The program’s final benefit is the Temple Recommend Slide By. This LDS Plus benefit allows members to “take a pass on up to two temple recommend questions.” Markeson reported that “this will be a huge benefit to Plus members who like a discreet morning coffee but still want to attend a niece, nephew or even their own child’s temple sealing.”

Reporters who had heard rumors about the LDS Plus program noticed one much anticipated benefit that was not mentioned. Markeson responded to their question this way: “Yes, later this year we will be rolling out the LDS Premium Plus program, and yes, I can tell you now that that program will guarantee that members will get the most coveted church calling—the one with an important sounding title but where you don’t have to do anything—Counselor in the Stake Sunday School Presidency.”