CHURCH DISCONTINUES USE OF LONG-STANDING NURSERY MANUAL TITLED “SHE’S NEVER COMING BACK!”

The Wildly Popular
though Now Discontinued Manual

Salt Lake City, UT—The church announced today that it is discontinuing the use of its long-standing Nursery manual titled “She’s Never Coming Back!”

“That manual has been like scripture for us,” said Max Fielding, who works in the Nursery with his wife Kelly in the Terra Haute Third ward. “It is because of the manual’s music suggestion that I got back into the guitar.” Fielding elaborated that “it really set the right tone for the little kids when they heard the amplifier playing ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ on so many sabbath mornings.” Fielding reported bringing his acoustic guitar so that, later on, he could play another song the manual suggested—the classic Eagles’ tune “Hotel California.”

The manual also suggested games that proved very popular over time. Said Natalie Springs of Boca Raton, Florida, “Oh, the kids always had so much fun with the Mad Libs game with words removed from the sacrament prayers.”

Another favorite game was She’s Never Coming Back Matching. In this version of the classic matching game, Nursery leaders had small pictures of the kids that the children then had to match with the picture of their mother. In this variation, Nursery leaders would discreetly remove the pictures of the mothers so that the kids could never find their match.  

Sandy Richmond of College Park, Maryland said this of the manual: “the snack suggestions were excellent! The kids loved the combination of Oreos, jalapeno potato chips in ranch dressing, lemonade, and kimchi!”

“I for one plan on keeping the classic closing song,” said Jamie Perkins of El Paso Texas. “It just won’t be Nursery for me if the kids don’t leave singing the music of ‘Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam’ but with the lyrics “Jesus Said I Don’t Need a Car Seat.”