CHURCH ANNOUNCES NEW LDS PLUS PROGRAM

Early Concept for a Program Logo

Salt Lake City, UT—At a morning press conference broadcast from Church headquarters, spokesperson Hillary Markeson announced the new LDS Plus program. “We are very excited,” said Markeson, “about how this program will give unprecedented access and freedom for those who value their membership enough to pitch in a little more to build the kingdom.” Markeson followed up that “for a mere one percent more in one’s annual tithing donations, members will get VIS treatment.” When asked if she meant “VIP,” Markeson clarified that no, “VIS” means “Very Important Saint.”

The bulk of the press conference was given over to describing the program’s “many temporal and spiritual benefits.” LDS Plus members would get, according to Markeson, priority sacrament delivery. Asked to clarify that, Markeson explained that special, “extra worthy” deacons would pass the sacrament to LDS Plus members immediately after the meeting’s presiding authority. 

When reporters asked Markeson if Plus members would finally be able to reserve seats that they or their families sit in every Sunday, Markeson promised that this option would be coming in late 2022 or early 2023. She said that church building authorities were still working on a system that would keep people, often visitors or new members, from sitting where some members always sit. Markeson elaborated that “we’re still working on an Interloper Removal System involving several small, discreet tasers.”

Besides priority sacrament delivery, LDS Plus members would get access to any non-Elders-Quorum-sanctioned-but-with-all-of-the-cool-brothers fantasy sports leagues. “Everyone wants to be included,” said Markeson “and no man wants to feel left out during sacrament meeting when someone whispers to a disappointed male friend that his running back just got him 11 points.”

Markeson’s LDS Plus presentation crescendoed with the program’s final two benefits. The first was “a lower threshold of acceptance into the church educational welfare program that is Brigham Young University’s three campuses.” Revised categorization would give LDS Plus members advantages in getting into BYU. LDS Plus members in Utah would have the advantage of being classified as “Non-Utahn, living in some heathen place like the Dakotas or the entire East Coast.” Female LDS Plus members applying from east of the Mississippi would be classified as “males who need BYU to not screw up their lives.” Male LDS Plus members from that same region would be flagged as “We have to get some guys into BYU so that women can find husbands.”

The program’s final benefit is the Temple Recommend Slide By. This LDS Plus benefit allows members to “take a pass on up to two temple recommend questions.” Markeson reported that “this will be a huge benefit to Plus members who like a discreet morning coffee but still want to attend a niece, nephew or even their own child’s temple sealing.”

Reporters who had heard rumors about the LDS Plus program noticed one much anticipated benefit that was not mentioned. Markeson responded to their question this way: “Yes, later this year we will be rolling out the LDS Premium Plus program, and yes, I can tell you now that that program will guarantee that members will get the most coveted church calling—the one with an important sounding title but where you don’t have to do anything—Counselor in the Stake Sunday School Presidency.”