FAMILY DRAFTS POST-MORTAL VISITATION SCHEDULE FOR UNCLE CARL IN HIS LOWER DEGREE OF GLORY

Don't Look for Uncle Carl in the One to the Left

Highland, UT—It all started with Paistyn Healey and her family’s discussion of the plan of salvation. As Paistyn’s father Daniel explained that, in addition to the Celestial Kingdom, there were two other, lower degrees of glory, Paistyn asked what made someone miss out on living with God and their family forever and instead being consigned to a place either moon-like or star-like in its dimness. Paistyn’s father mentioned common shortcomings that would disqualify one from Celestial glory. Brother Healey could see that his curious eight-year-old still did not understand. At that point, Paistyn’s older brother Tayverson blurted out, “you know, people like Uncle Carl.” The light of understanding glowed on Paistyn’s face in spite of her parents feeble, half-hearted attempts to suggest that perhaps Carl might still be Celestial.

Only a few days later, when her mother was looking at the week’s dinner menu, the kind-hearted Paistyn asked her if Uncle Carl would be lonely in his vastly inferior and eternal abode. When she tried to reassure her daughter that Uncle Carl would feel comfortable with other people like him, Paistyn was not consoled. After several more questions about Uncle Carl’s everlasting disappointment, sorrow, and isolation, Sister Healey told her daughter that they could make a schedule for when members of the family would descend from their Celestial heights to check in on Uncle Carl. This put a smile on Paistyn’s face, and soon her brothers Thryson, Ringer, and Smyth as well as sisters Jaxx and Tamrythaäl were all on board.

As news of the schedule spread to other Healeys, including Uncle Carl’s two sons, many other family members requested that their names be added to the Excel spreadsheet. At press time, more than twenty-two family members have agreed to spend at least 10 minutes every one hundred years with Uncle Carl, time which doubtlessly will be like cool drops of water on his parched spiritual tongue. When cousin Sean asked that his name be added to the rotation, Daniel Healey smiled and made the addition, though most in the family quietly but firmly believe cousin Sean will probably be with Uncle Carl already. Some suspect that Uncle Carl might be going down to visit cousin Sean.