GOD SOMEHOW STILL LOVES LOCAL MASTURBATER

Salt Lake City, UT—In an unexpected press conference, God clarified that He actually does love everyone including an unnamed local masturbater.

“I find it odd that some are so surprised,” said He who created Heaven and Earth “that I can find it in Me to love someone who rather regularly masturbates, but yep, I can!”

The announcement seems to have been made to set the record straight on how God loves all of God’s children. God further elaborated that “some seem to believe that some sin or any sin disqualifies one from feeling loved or even having My Spirit with them, but nope—you can make mistakes and still be loved and Spiritually encouraged.”

A reporter on hand posed a question on many people’s minds—isn’t sexual sin like masturbation close to murder? In typical quiet majesty, God replied that murder robs another of his or her chance to live and choose, and murder puts in human hands what God wants to control—when His children leave mortality. The Father of All said that while rape might come close to murder, self-stimulation to orgasm or even consensual sex with another “are very far from the soul-destroying power of murder.”

When asked about scriptures that connect sexual sin and murder, God encouraged all present to think about how Alma had once gone about trying to destroy the spirits of others by leading them from the gospel, and that that is what he was warning his son Corianton about. “Of course sexual sin is like murder,” said God, “but only when those sins kill souls and take others away from Me, but masturbation doesn’t do that.”

When asked why He was taking time to say this now, God said that “I have too many of my children feeling too much shame, guilt, and sorrow over this,” and “it just seems like you are ready for us to get past the Victorians and to place this habit within its proper context.”

When asked what He meant by “proper context,” God explained that, “well, think about it—if the only sin committed by all of my children was masturbation, what kind of world would this be?” Answering His own question, He said “no more spouse abuse or child abuse, no more wars, terrorism, robberies, fraud, political corruption, or systematic exploitation of the poor and vulnerable.”

Still seemingly confused, one reporter asked, “yah, but doesn’t masturbation lead to serious sexual sin, sex addiction, prostitution, sexual deviance, pedophilia, and the promotion of pornography?” To this question God responded that “how worried would you be that a small child who told a lie would get involved in massive fraud or embezzling or how worried would you be that a nursery-age child who hit or bit another child would grow up to be a murderer?” God then continued, “yes, bad behavior can lead to other bad behavior, but please don’t assume that one mistake or even habit is a slippery slope that always leads to a terrible, terrible pit.”

Toward the conclusion of the press conference, God revealed that “Me and Your Heavenly Mother want you to love and cherish your bodies, and We want you to use them in ways that are consistent with your values, but hey, as you are learning about your bodies, don’t let your mistakes or weakness fool you into thinking We don’t love you.” 

“The worst,” interjected Heavenly Mother, “is when you feel so much guilt and shame that you don’t talk to Us, because I cannot tell you how much your Heavenly Father and I love to hear your voices!”

CHURCH QUIETLY INTRODUCES “WEDDING OFFERING” TEMPLE SEALING FEE

Salt Lake City, UT—The church has quietly started requesting what it calls at “wedding offering” in the form of a “modest temple marriage fee.” When couples have been calling various temples to request times for sealings, they have been asked if they would like to “give something back to the Lord” as a way to show gratitude “for the blessing of eternal marriage.”

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“I was kind of surprised,” said Kaitlynn Parkins, a BYU student who recently got engaged to Coldyn Lober. Sister Parkins explained that “the woman at the temple asked if we would like to make a temple offering, but I had never heard of that.” After it was explained to her, Parkins said that “she’d have to check with her parents about that.”

At present, it seems that only the more historic or photogenic temples are making the request. Workers at the Salt Lake temple, for example, recommend an offering “between $70 and $90.” One recently engaged couple was told to “take ten percent of what you are spending on the wedding, and offer that back to the temple, to show God how much the temple means to you.”

While reports have come in that the Salt Lake, Logan, San Diego, Washington DC, and Provo City temples may require the few by year’s end, other temples do not anticipate such a fee requirement. As one church insider told the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer, “I’d say that any temple that would fit into the baptistery of the Jordan River temple, you know, like your Raleigh North Carolina or Columbia South Carolina temple, will not even mention the possible donation.”

There are also reports that couples with higher long-range earning potential may be pressed to offer more. A second church insider mentioned lists of BYU Business and Finance majors who, if they request temple sealings, “would be encourage to offer back to God what their God-given gifts will help them earn in the long-run.” In contrast, Humanities, Anthropology/Folklore, Early Childhood Education, and Social Work majors are quietly being told that not only does the Lord not request any more “widow’s mites” from them, but that the day may soon come when they will be permitted to pay tithing at 6 or even 5.5%.