AARON RODGERS, SECRET MORMON, REDEDICATES HIMSELF TO ATTENDING CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY

Rodger's Vision Like Paul's,
except with Anthony Barr
instead of the horse or whatnot,
and Rodgers couldn't lift arm

Green Bay, WI—In news that is both surprising and faith-inspiring, word came out this morning that insurance advertiser and athlete Aaron Rodgers has been a member of the Mormon church for the last two years. While that news came as quite a shock for many people, it was quickly followed up by the news that Brother Rodgers has decided to make Sunday church attendance his “highest priority” for “at least the foreseeable future.”

In talking about his decision, Brother Rodgers explained that “I was at work, and there I had an experience somewhat like that of the apostle Paul.” He elaborated that “like Paul, I felt suddenly thrown to the ground, and there the inspiration came to me, strongly, that God didn’t want me working on Sunday—He wanted me in church!”

Many of the people on Brother Rodgers’ team expressed concern about their success without his help. Brother Rodgers said that he too was concerned, especially about some weekend projects this fall and winter that he’d miss out on, but, in his words, “the Lord made it clear that, whether my calling is in Young Mens or Primary, church is where God needs me to put my shoulder to the wheel!”