LDS SCIENTISTS DISCOVER LAW OF CONSERVATION OF MISSIONARY MASS

Scientific conclusions made with math like this
but with skinny and fat missionaries

Provo, UT—Scientists at BYU’s Center for Physics, Heath, and Tracting announced this week the discovery of a law governing the total mass of all currently serving missionaries. C-PHaT scientists have proven that, although the mass of some missionaries in places like Brazil might go down, that decrease is balanced by mass gain for missionaries serving in places like the US Mountain West.

“We have proven that the total mass of all combined missionaries is a constant, even though individual missionaries may fluctuate, proving an absolute conservation of missionary mass,” stated Dr. Joyce Floyd, a fellow at C-PHaT. Dr. Floyd added that, “what this proves is that the total mass of missionaries is an eternal constant that can never be created nor destroyed.”

The discoveries Dr. Floyd and her colleagues have made were inspired by observations made in some wards in the eastern United States. In one ward, a sister missionary in Brazil had lost 40 pounds in her first six months. This was of course of interest to C-PHaT scientists, but they also found that, in the same ward, two other missionaries serving in the Mountain West had gained 20 pounds each. Said Dr. Floyd’s colleague, Dr. Drew Brunick, “when we saw this conservation of missionary mass, we had to see if this was an isolated incident or part of God’s unchanging laws of proselyting physics.”

With data from the church via monthly missionary reports, C-PHaT discovered the eternal principle of missionary mass conservation. Dr. Floyd noted that even when some missionaries “finally shed a few pounds at the end, just before they go home,” this loss of mass was countered by the gains in “missionaries who finally got used to all that weird, foreign food, and who even planned on bringing some home.”