SATAN CONVINCES AREA MAN TO LEAVE ZION, MOVE TO UTAH

Possible Photo of Brother Lowaitt

Emeraldsboro, NC—The Father of All Lies has recently deceived area man Graig Lowaitt into leaving Zion and moving to Utah. While the Fiend of the Infernal Pit lured Graig with a job promotion and a chance to be close to some family, reports indicate that it was a series of other lies that succeeded in clouding the mind of the otherwise smart and sensible brother Lowaitt. Some of those lies include “it will be fun and easy to live around all of those Mormons” and “people there are nonjudgmental and feel no pressure to keep up with their neighbors!”

Brother Lowaitt will need all of the Devil’s help in convincing his wife and children that this is for everyone’s good. Sister Lucy Gustofdaughter Lowaitt, who seems to thrive in an environment with rich diversity and missionary opportunities, will be especially difficult to convince. Satan has whispered to Graig to he tell his wife: “I’m sure you will be very happy among so many passionate, gun-toting, xenophobic, flag-waving Republicans who equate Zion with everyone acting, thinking, and believing like everyone else!”

Bother Lowaitt harbored some doubts about what is clearly a demonically foolish idea, but the lies that seem to have tipped him over to the dark side came when Satan said, “No one will miss you in North Carolina” and “oh, and Utah is so pretty!”