UNCHARACTERISTICALLY OVER-INDULGENT GRANDFATHER “FEELS LIKE A DEMOCRAT”

The unicorn has always seemed
to Roberts like a more appropriate
Democratic Party symbol

Payson, UT—During a recent weekend wherein he spoiled many of his grandchildren, otherwise very disciplined area grandfather and Republican Donald Roberts reported that letting the kids “pretty much do whatever they wanted without regard for the short or long-term consequences” gave him a chance to “feel like a Democrat.”

Roberts started by giving each of them twenty dollars. Whenever a child asked for more money, Roberts gave them more, disregarding how it was spent, the merit of the petition, or how it might affect the child. Though the grandchildren clearly didn’t care, Roberts’ children asked him where the money was coming from. Roberts replied, “I just give them whatever they want and don’t worry where it will come from or how the debts will be paid.” Added Roberts, “I feel like the Greek government or the state of California.”

Not everything about the weekend visit went as smoothly as planned. One grandchild scraped her knee jumping rope. Roberts assembled all of the grandkids, gave the wounded child a Band-Aid, and then took forty-five dollars from all of the grandkids to cover the cost of anyone’s future Band-Aids. Some children objected, saying that they had Band-Aids already, but Roberts made the Band-Aid insurance obligatory for all of the grandchildren. When Roberts’ children asked why all of the children had to pay so much, Roberts responded that “it was in everyone’s best interest to participate in the Affordable Bandaid Program or, as I call it, ‘Ogrampacare’.”

Toward the end of the stay, some of the children were not getting along. They approached their grandfather, asking him to use his wisdom to make a final decision. Roberts saw that some of the kids had worked out a temporary solution, one that was still unsatisfactory to a majority of the grandkids, but Roberts did nothing, allowing the previous decisions to stand. Said Roberts, “sure, they might have wanted my authoritative decision, and one that might address majority concerns, but it was fun to take an ‘I’m not going to do anything and let a hodge-podge of lower judges decide it all’ approach.” Concluded Roberts, “it was absolutely exhilarating to be both completely unresponsive and yet decisive!”

As the grandchildren left his home, some heard Roberts say, “let’s do this again soon; when you come next it will be really crazy—I’ll call it ‘Hilary 2016!’”