“SMALL PRICE TO PAY FOR EXACT OBEDIENCE” SAY BYU-I STUDENTS WHO CUT OFF FEET, BOTTOM 4-8 INCHES OF THEIR IMMODEST LEGS

This print of a Spanish auto-da-fe illustrates what happened
in Rexburg, except the Spaniards are dressed less modestly.

Rexburg, ID—Over the weekend several BYU-Idaho students, stung with divinely inspired shame conveyed by President Clark’s widely published Facebook post, responded with characteristic faith to his call for strict obedience by cutting off their feet and the bottom 4-8 inches of their immodestly displayed legs. “As a sacrifice, it was a small price to pay” said BYU-Idaho sophomore Stephanie King of Sandpoint Idaho. Said King, “I mean, if the right and the left foot offend you by your pants being too high while President Clark is looking, then I will go and do what strict obedience demands of me!”

Bloody stumps at the end of the legs of students like King were not the only clear signs of faith on the part of the devoted BYU-I students. Junior Daniel Green of Colorado Springs, Colorado had his face almost completely bandaged. When asked about the bandages, Green explained that “I’m sure it was me that President Clark saw, and the stubble that had already grown back in the hour since I had shaved is something that I now know was driving the Spirit from our entire campus!” Green elaborated that “when I felt what can only be described as the burning in the bosom of fiery, celestial guilt, I want home and shaved and shaved in the hope that I could destroy those iniquitous hair follicles for good.” Green concluded by tearfully explaining the joy and relief that washed over him “once my razor made it far enough that it nicked my jaw bone.”

The sight of the joyous auto-da-fé on the part of these students moved many other students to follow suit. Some cut off buttocks that had doubtlessly caused lustful thoughts by being in sports shorts that were not covered by sweatpants.

The only ones not enthusiastically caught up in the public celebration of exact obedience were a small group of “liberal” students and faculty. That group was seen mocking and pointing fingers at the students. They were also overheard expressing their unwavering conviction that if President Clark didn’t do what they thought he should do then he must be a power-hungry, Pharisaical misogynist who perpetuates rape culture and an empty shell of religiosity instead of the true faith Joseph tried to restore. That small group of “faithful” and “rational” people then formed a circle, patted each other on the back, and chanted in unison their four word article of faith: respect, diversity, and tolerance.