CHURCH PILOT PROGRAM ALLOWS MEMBERS TO SUPERSIZE SACRAMENT

New Supersize Sacrament Cups

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Reports out of Salt Lake City confirm that the church is currently piloting a program that will allow members to supersize the bread and water that they take as part of their sacrament meeting worship.

David Carlson, who oversees the program, wrote in a confidential memo obtained by the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer that “the supersize option seems to speak about food and religion in a way that many saints are very accustomed to.” Calrson noted that “as predicted, states like Mississippi seem particularly pleased with the 64 ounce water and full loaf of bread.” Another target market that responded well, according to Carlson’s memo, is Louisville, Kentucky. Carlson explained that, “given that Louisville is the home to Yum! Brands, whose restaurants include Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, and KFC, the supersized sacrament is a perfect fit!”

The pilot program has had one key obstacle. Carlson noted that the extra large portion of bread has been widely accepted, but, apparently, “the water aspect of the program has met with opposition in New York City, where those associated with former mayor Bloomberg see large drinks as a slippery slope into excessive soda consumption.” 

“I’m excited about this step,” noted Carlson, who concluded his memo with: “I think that this will help members really embrace this sacred moment (or moments now!), and I also think it will mean better bread, not just a little piece of freezer burnt crust from a half-forgotten bag frantically thawed in the car ride over to the chapel”