PRESIDENT SAMUELSON SMITES COKE TRUCK WITH ROD, CHANGES ALL PRODUCTS TO CAFFEINE FREE

Actual Photograph of Recent Miracle

PROVO, UT—In a miraculous move that saved Brigham Young University from yet another potentially iniquitous embarrassment, President Samuelson smote an approaching Coke truck with a rod, causing only caffeine free products to emerge.

“We surely have a leader like unto Moses,” said BYU student Daniela Gore. “We saw the chaos and moral decay poured out upon our campus so recently,” continued Gore, “so when I saw him with that rod, I knew that an inspired leader had been raised up to protect us all.”

Brianna Melling from the Office of Naked Shoulder and Caffeine Wickedness Prevention was also relieved. “These last few weeks have been dark ones in this office,” said Melling. “After that Satanic infiltration—oh, I don’t even want to think about it—well, there have been some changes in this office.  Let’s just say that the heads have already started to roll.”

Melling noted that President Samuelson had entrusted judges of 100 and judges of 50 to handle most campus-wide problems, but that from now on he would personally examine each approaching Coke vehicle armed with a staff. Melling tearfully concluded, “whether that staff is parting the Red Sea or keeping us from drowning in a sea of caffeinated sin, I sleep better at night knowing that the Lord has entrusted it to those who lead His university.”