MORMON TABERNACLE ENQUIRER GUIDE TO BOOK OF MORMON THEMED HALLOWEEN COSTUMES

PRESIDENT SAMUELSON SMITES COKE TRUCK WITH ROD, CHANGES ALL PRODUCTS TO CAFFEINE FREE

Actual Photograph of Recent Miracle

PROVO, UT—In a miraculous move that saved Brigham Young University from yet another potentially iniquitous embarrassment, President Samuelson smote an approaching Coke truck with a rod, causing only caffeine free products to emerge.

“We surely have a leader like unto Moses,” said BYU student Daniela Gore. “We saw the chaos and moral decay poured out upon our campus so recently,” continued Gore, “so when I saw him with that rod, I knew that an inspired leader had been raised up to protect us all.”

Brianna Melling from the Office of Naked Shoulder and Caffeine Wickedness Prevention was also relieved. “These last few weeks have been dark ones in this office,” said Melling. “After that Satanic infiltration—oh, I don’t even want to think about it—well, there have been some changes in this office.  Let’s just say that the heads have already started to roll.”

Melling noted that President Samuelson had entrusted judges of 100 and judges of 50 to handle most campus-wide problems, but that from now on he would personally examine each approaching Coke vehicle armed with a staff. Melling tearfully concluded, “whether that staff is parting the Red Sea or keeping us from drowning in a sea of caffeinated sin, I sleep better at night knowing that the Lord has entrusted it to those who lead His university.”     

CHURCH WARNS MISSIONARIES ABOUT EMAIL FROM NIGERIAN PRINCESS

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—The church has issued an urgent warning to all missionaries to be on guard against an email scam. The scammer, posing as a Nigerian princess, apparently attempts to exploit the trusting and hopeful nature of most missionaries to acquire sensitive information.

Below the transcript of the concerning email:

I am a Nigerian princess and I am in desperate need of someone who can teach me about how I can go to your heaven. I do not want to rot in some spirit prison, waiting for my no-good descendants to finally get me help. I will deposit $30,000,000.00 in genuine moneys into your bank account. Just send me the account number, the routing number, your social security number, date of birth, credit card number, security code, cell phone number, mother’s favorite teacher’s cat’s name, city of birth, names of siblings, blood type, emails of 5 friends who would also be interested in this exciting offer, and approximately when and how many hours your companion sleeps every night. I will send you money todays, and then I will send you my address so that you can come and teach me and the 8 other Nigerian princesses that live with me and our children. We have 42 children and they are all 9 years old. Please do not deny us the blessings of your gospel church and please send the requested information now so that we can all get much blessings.

Urgently,

Princess of Nigeria

This is not the first time that the church has warned missionaries about scams like this. Several years ago the church warned missionaries about a scam that asked them to send money to support a struggling former church authority. The leader had supposedly played Major League baseball and was a World War II veteran who had been miraculously saved in tense combat. Scammers sent out letters asking missionaries for donations with the slogan, “With your help he’s not Dunn yet!”

UNBORN BABY JUST MIGHT WANT TO BE ADOPTED

KAITLYN’S WOMB—I recently overheard a conversation between Kaitlyn, my mom, and some possible adoptive parents through LDS Family Services, and I really hope that Kaitlyn lets them adopt me.  Don’t get me wrong; Kaitlyn is wonderful and I’m glad she is taking good care of me, but I’ve got to say that I think going with the other parents sounds wonderful too.

What can I say about how magnificent Kaitlyn is?  She is great, and no matter what, she will be a great mom.  She obviously loves me very much.  She doesn’t do anything that would harm me as I grow.  Of course she gets nervous and afraid.  I can tell because that is when she eats a carton of vanilla birthday cake flavored ice cream and an entire Yosemite National Forest worth of gummy bears. 

Kaitlyn loves music, and that will be nice.  But it sounds like my possible adoptive mother, Amanda Skinner, is an accomplished violinist.  Which is to say—Katilyn, I’m lovin’ the Beiber, but maybe some classical music and some lessons at home would be nice as well.

I know I cannot ask Kaitlyn to do for me what the Skinners could do.  Sure, I can listen in while Kaitlyn practices her Spanish II homework, but Seth Skinner learned Spanish on his mission to Costa Rica, so he could teach me.  And even Kaitlyn would say that Seth will be so much of a better dad than Dylan could ever be, especially since he doesn’t want to have anything to do with Kaitlyn and me. (Of course Dylan does have that great hair, and we can see a lot of Seth’s skull.)

Seth Skinner apparently has a good job and so does Amanda, so it will be easier for them in some ways to raise me.  I know that Kaitlyn will do all that she can, and her mother and grandmother will help out.  I am not really excited about Kaitlyn’s friends watching me.  Her friend Ashlee has cracked the glass on three smartphones in the last 6 months, so she just doesn’t sound all that reliable to me.  And even if I am walking by then, I don’t want them to dress me all up and take me to prom. 

Kaitlyn is very brave.  She kept me after Dylan tried to get her to not have me.  She told everyone on her cheer squad and at church, and apparently some people have not been very nice.  I know that Kaitlyn cries a lot because of how people make her feel.  But I also heard that the Skinners have been praying and fasting for a long time for God to bless them with a child.  I could never ask her myself, but maybe Kaitlyn could do one more brave thing and let the Skinners adopt me. Whatever she does, I thank God for my birth mother Kaitlyn.

TIME TRAVELLING MOSES MAHLANGU FINDS COMFORT IN ELDER UCHTDORF’S 2013 CONFERENCE ADDRESS

Elder Uchdorf may have had a larger
audience than he thought

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer has received evidence that time travel technology allowed Moses Mahlangu to find comfort in Elder Uchtdorf’s 2013 conference address. Moses Mahlangu, an African saint who’s story was mentioned in the first session of the October, 2013 General Conference by Elder Ulisses Soares, faced painful challenges, yet it seems that he found inspiration from a talk given several decades later.

The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer has found evidence of Moses Mahlungu’s time travel in the pages of his journal. Key pages date from the late 70’s and early 80’s. At that time, Brother Mahlangu could not attend church services in the building, but faithfully listened to the meetings via a window opened precisely for that purpose.

The journal pages recount the agonizing despair that Moses Mahlangu felt at that time. In one entry he mentions how “today one of the talks was about how all are equal to a loving God, and it was so difficult for me, because sometimes I feel like a second-class citizen.” The entry then added, “how is the Lord no respecter of persons yet those who claim to follow God treat me as less than them?”

It is precisely during the time when these messages are strongest and most heartbreaking that Moses Mahlangu describes traveling to the future “in a silver car with the doors going up like gull wings.” He elaborates that there was a “crazy-looking driver, with wild gray hair” who took him to a large building. In the building, Brother Mahlangu found a man with “seemingly perfect gray hear, speaking with love and power.”

 

Of this man’s talk, Brother Mahlangu wrote, “at first I was surprised, since it was unusual for me to hear a man with a German accent speak with such compassion and love.” Brother Mahlangu continued, “I felt so strongly the influence of the Holy Spirit as he spoke, and when he mentioned that there are times when leaders and members make mistakes, I felt such relief.”

 

In the same entry, Brother Mahlangu said that “I had such an outpouring of peace when he acknowledged that there may have been things said and done that were not in harmony with the church’s values, principles, and doctrine.”  “By the end,” reported Mahlangu, “I felt the desire to bring my talents and my differences to the Church, and to bring them fully if the day ever comes that I could give them completely.”

Brother Mahlangu seems to have never reported his time travel to others. His journal only notes that, “we had to return early from the weird trip since the guy had to pick up some kid and take him to the past or present or something, so I only heard one speaker.” As a final note Brother Mahlangu said, “the church meeting that I visited in the future was wonderful, but I wonder who the other speakers were and what they talked about?”