LONG LIST OF OFFENSES PROMPTS AREA MAN TO CUT OFF RIGHT HAND

ROMULUS, MI—Producing a long list of offenses, Brother David Roberts met with reporters to explain why he recently cut off his right hand. “Well, let me just go through the offenses that my right hand has done to me,” explained Roberts, “and it should be clear that every one of you would have cut it off and cast it out.”

Roberts’ list of offenses began way back in elementary school.  Roberts noted how his hand had, against his will, “waved at Cindy Warner even though my best friend Greg, who liked Cindy all during third grade, was standing right there.” Roberts indicated that “it was then, back in fourth grade, that I knew that that right hand was going to be trouble.”

According to Roberts, the conflicts continued as the years passed. Listed along with the “Waving at Warner” affair were instances of inadvertent nose picking in highly public places, going up in the air with Roberts being unable to answer the question, and slipping too low while slow dancing.  “These acts of treachery might not seem like a big deal, but let me tell you, they caused me and the entire body lots and lots of problems,” stated Roberts.

“After a while, well, the betrayal had to stop,” said Roberts categorically. “How long can you let it pick up the wrong groceries, click the wrong links on the internet, and push buttons on the tv remote control when you really want to sleep before doing something about it!”

Roberts went on to show how his scripture reading had helped him deal with the terrible impact of his RRHS (Rebellious Right Hand Syndrome). “Once I saw it was RRHS, it became clear to me what was really holding me back spiritually,” expounded  Roberts. “I mean, I could be Bishop by now if my right hand would have been as obedient as my left.”

To demonstrate what finally helped Roberts apply the scriptural injunction, he produced a rather blurry photograph of himself dressed almost completely in blue and yellow. “As you can see here,” stated Roberts, “I’m about the world’s biggest Michigan fan. See, I’m all maize and blue.” Roberts then pointed, with his left hand, to his right hand in the picture, which was clearly green, saying, “and there you see it—the right hand had painted itself as green as Michigan State’s Sparty himself.  I had caught it red handed, so to speak, and I knew then and there that I had to eliminate the little Judas,” Roberts concluded emphatically, pounding his remaining hand on the table. 

As the news conference ended, Roberts made one more threat: “Oh, and right eye--don't think we haven't been noticing you! You saw what happened to the hand on your side, you know, with stumpy, so let that be a warning.”