RELIEF SOCIETY SISTERS LEARNING MORE ABOUT TEACHER THAN SCRIPTURES FROM HER THIRD LESSON ON SONG OF SOLOMON

Image of Love that Might Not Be Allegorical

MODESTO, CA—The sisters in the Modesto West ward seem to be learning more about Sister Wallace than the scriptures from her third lesson on the Old Testament book Song of Solomon. “After the first lesson,” reported Allison Lewis, “I thought that it was nice to hear about a book that we never talk about in Church.” Sister Lewis continued that “the second lesson, about allegories of love to illustrate God’s love for His children, was also informative, but when we showed up last Sunday for the third lesson I started to wonder if something else wasn’t up.”

Sister Lewis wasn’t alone in her curiosity about three lessons on a book that some do not take as scripture. Kaitlyn Millsap expressed similar surprise. Said Millsap, “[Sister Wallace] had some nice medieval prints for the second lesson, but some of those prints gave me the impression that this wasn’t just a spiritual allegory.” Millsap continued that, “by the third lesson, when she brought in all of those quotes from that book And They Were Not Ashamed, it was pretty clear that…well…more than just the spirit was involved.”

“Yah, by the third lesson it seemed like we were learning a bit more about Sister Wallace then we might have wanted,” concluded Maggie Baker, Relief Society Second Counselor. “We spent a lot of time talking about chapter 5 where the man is supposed to have abs like ‘bright ivory overlaid with sapphires’ and legs like ‘pillars of marble,’ but it was pretty clear that that doesn’t describe brother Wallace anymore.”

Alicia King also remarked that “it didn’t take much to see that, um, well, Brother Wallace is not as interested in going to the ‘mountain of myrrh’ or the ‘hill of frankincense’ as he apparently should be.” Sister King also added, “oh, and I will never look at two young roes or clusters of grapes or spikenard, whatever that is, the same way again.”  

MINI MISSIONARY LESSON: 3 REASONS WHY DATING LAURELS USUALLY DOESN’T WORK

With the lowering of the mission age, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is doing its part to help train young men for the rigors and blessings of doing God’s work.  As part of this effort, Elder Kory Anton, who is hoping to clear things up and return to the mission field very soon, offers his insights to help others to prepare. 

You Don't Want to See This!

Getting out in the mission field is a thrilling experience. It is great to see how the members respond to the spirit that you have with you, and let me tell you, it isn’t just the old fogies.  No matter where you serve, all of those young women who would barely even talk to you before your mission will be happy to see you now.  But before you start texting those Laurels, let me give you three good reasons to look before you leap.

One: Laurels can be bad at keeping secrets. This may surprise you, since girls can seem pretty quiet around boys. It is hard to know even what they are thinking.  But take it from some people I know: as soon as you meet one for a midnight movie while your companion is sleeping, she will probably blab all about it to her friends.  And when that happens, others will probably find out. It will be really bad if it gets around, so the easiest thing to do is to tell her in a really spiritual way to only use a code name for you when talking to her friends.  

Two: She may not be as cute as you think. This is a mistake lots of missionaries make. You are in South Africa or Guatemala or the Dakotas and you find a really hot seventeen year-old sitting across from you at dinner. She laughs at all your jokes, she shakes your hand vigorously, and her eyes just light up when you talk about serving the Lord. But keep in mind that the sparkly feelings you get when you are around her could just be because you haven’t been around girls for a while. Try to remember the hot girls who never would have talked to you before: is this one really one of those? After being a missionary for a while, even the light poles have hips, so make sure she really is cute.

Three: She might just be into you for the tag. While you are being a missionary, you don’t want to get burned. And the most common way that missionaries who date Laurels get burned is when they realize that she is only into you because of the tag. As we know from hundreds of years of stories and even scientific experiments, girls love men in uniform. Your suit and your tag are your uniform, and too many girls with stars in their eyes only see that. You should respect yourself and find a girl who wants to date you for you, not just because you have dedicated two years to serving God.

I don’t want to be extreme here, soon-to-be missionary, but when you are considering a deep, loving, and profound relationship (or even something not quite that deep or profound) with a seventeen or eighteen year-old girl in the ward where you are serving, keep these three reasons as a word to the wise.   

The Best of Luck,

Elder Kory Anton

POINT: DON’T TELL MY PARENTS, BUT I’M NOT ALL THAT GLAD TO BE HOME FROM MY MISSION / COUNTERPOINT: DON’T TELL OUR SON, BUT WE’RE NOT ALL THAT GLAD HE’S HOME FROM HIS MISSION.

POINT: DON’T TELL MY PARENTS, BUT I’M NOT ALL THAT GLAD TO BE HOME FROM MY MISSION

David Turner, Meriden, CT

I got home from my mission to Thailand about a two weeks ago, and please don’t tell my parents but I’m not that glad to be home. I cannot believe how excited I was those last few weeks of my mission and when I landed, but let me just say that after about two hours, I feel incredibly let down. For one thing, the music that my siblings listen to—if I hear that “Gangnam Style” song one more time, I’m going to Korea myself to punch that guy in the throat. Oh, and look what else the devil made while I was gone—Lil Wayne, Nicki Minaj, and something called a Ke$ha. 

Mom and Dad are great, and I love being back with them, but even they are starting to get on my nerves. I’m grateful that they have such strong testimonies, but it is funny that we don’t have family home evening but they do DVR The Bachelor and Dancing with the Stars like it is General Conference. And don’t get me started about the dishonesty, pride, and sin in that Downton Abbey show—I think that that one guy died as a punishment from God! It is nice to get home to mom’s spaghetti and lasagna, but I had forgotten about her famous Tuna Casserole Delight. Choking that down with some repulsive Bruno Mars song playing in the background is worse than ten hours in an MTC classroom with nine other gassy missionaries. 

Now I am home, I’m bilingual, and I have international travel experience, so guess what?—I have my pre-mission job back at Coldstone. Three weeks ago I was bringing the eternal blessings of the gospel to God’s children, and now I’m bringing a three-scoop-cake-batter-ice cream-brownie-with-extra-cookie-dough-triple-fudge-and-extra-nuts-Gotta-Have-It catastrophe to glassy eyed gluttons who could not care less about “that Jesus stuff.” And I get to sing for them. So I think we are safe in saying that I’m not glad about what I’m “Called to Serve” now. 

At least I’m going off to school in a few weeks. In all honesty, I hope I can find a good wife, and after getting along with so many missionaries that I didn’t get to pick, marriage will be a piece of cake. Can’t wait for that!

COUNTERPOINT: DON’T TELL OUR SON, BUT WE’RE NOT ALL THAT GLAD HE’S HOME FROM HIS MISSION

Mike and Lisa Turner, Meriden, CT

Father with Prodigal Clownfish

David got home from his mission ten days ago, and please don’t tell him, but we’re not all that glad that he’s home. We felt such a loss when he left, and of course we were worried about him, but now…well let’s just say that since he found the International Market, our house smells like a Southeast Asian street market. I just want to tell him, “we eat Rice-a-Roni because we like Rice-a-Roni!” And we are glad that he speaks Thai, but really, he can’t just say “The Book of Mormon” anymore? Personally I don’t think that prayer is any less sincere if you say it so that everyone understands. And if we have to hear about that “amazing family in my second area” again, I might just take a baseball bat to him in his sleep.

We are glad that he’s trying to reconnect with his 13-year old brother, Ryan. But let’s just say that that has had a rocky start. The movie they tried to watch didn’t go so well once David tried to explain how God the Father, like the Father in the story of the Prodigal Son, is searching for our lost souls, “still colorful with the stripes of false, worldly pride” as fervently as Nemo’s father was searching for him. Ryan wanted to watch Avengers, but he said that his “brother would just say that the whole thing is about lust, greed, anger, and iniquity. Oh, and don’t even think about Skyfall!”

He is off for school pretty soon, and hopefully that will go well.  Still, we hope he isn’t so full of hope and faith that he thinks that “following the Lord’s will” and getting married will solve all his problems—he does seem to have some unrealistic ideas.  

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