STAKE PRESIDENT THREATENS TO REVOKE WARD’S “TRUE AND LIVING” STATUS

COLUMBUS, OH—Speaking at the ward conference of the Columbus, Ohio 12^th ward, Stake President Gabe Paulsen called upon members to repent or the ward would lose its “True & Living” status. President Paulsen said that the ward’s 9% home teaching rate “was on the low side,” but that the 87% visiting teaching rate was “far below the Lord’s standard.”

President Paulsen enumerated other factors that threatened to reduce the ward to the probationary “Plausible & Not Quite Dead Yet” status. “This ward is not failing in all aspects,” explained President Paulsen. “Yes, 87% of the high priests slept through their group meeting and 38% of the Gospel Doctrine lesson came from the blog “Philosophies of Men Spiced up with Scripture,” he noted, “but it is the measly 59% of Young Women lessons that dealt with the specifics of modesty that really shows this ward’s steady slide into iniquity.” 

Some visiting leaders from the stake noted that the discrepancies that President Paulsen mentioned, including a “lack of enthusiasm on the part of the Sharing Time chorister,” involved only the sisters in the 12^th ward.  Sources close to President Paulsen quietly clarified that “the sisters are really the only spiritual ones,” adding that “if the men just show up, we call it good.” 

Before leaving the ward, President Paulsen reminded them of what this drop in status might mean.  “We all know what happened to the former 8^th Ward,” said President Paulsen ominously, “and none of us, I mean none of us, wants to end up a Presbyterian!”