RECENT PIANO PURCHASE MAKES FAMILY INTO REAL MORMONS

Even our first parents saw the piano as important

SANDY, UT—The Milton family’s recent piano purchase has finally made them into real Mormons.

Howard Milton reports that he was helping the Moore’s load the moving truck when he overheard an argument between Bruce and Julia Moore.

The conversation became rather heated, with Julia Moore insisting that moving to “Babylon” (Tacoma, Washington) without the spiritual protection of a piano would wreak long-term social and spiritual havoc on their family.

“For example,” Howard remembered, “she wouldn’t be able to teach piano lessons anymore and would probably have to find work outside the home, destroying the lives of their children and opening the door to the very real possibility of being seduced by her boss.” 

“But she was especially worried about where they’d put the family pictures,” he said.

But the fact was, there was no room for the piano in the moving van. “I just happened to be there with a hundred bucks in my wallet,” said Milton. “And Bruce promised Julia that if their family started to go downhill too fast, he’d buy her a new piano and a bonus flute.”

Sister Jan Milton is thrilled with the purchase.  “Oh, that brown upright matches my framed cross-stitch of the Proclamation perfectly,” she exclaimed. She also noted that Family Home Evening was 54 percent more spiritual this Monday and that she has been receiving much more inspiration when comparing her Book of Mormon studies with Fox News reports.

“This is what it feels like to be a real Mormon!” she squealed delightedly. She looks forward to listening to her seven children practice hymns, and is already working on a massive doily for the top of the piano.

The Moore family has not been heard from since their move.