NEW EVIDENCE OF SANTA’S SECRET BAPTISM

MISSIONARY TRAINING CENTER, PROVO, UT—New evidence coming out of the church’s Missionary Training Center in Provo, Utah gives greater credence to the long-suspected belief that Santa Claus was secretly baptized.  The evidence points toward the early to mid-90’s as the time frame for when St. Nicolas joined the Church. 

Elder Garret Handley, from Las Vegas, Nevada, and his companion, Elder David Smith, from Muncie, Indiana, corroborated that they heard from four other elders over lunch that “two missionaries in the way north of Canada, who tract on snow mobiles” met and taught Father Christmas.  According to Handley and Smith, when they expressed doubts about the claim, one of the elders said that one of the baptizing missionaries was his cousin’s roommate during his freshman year at BYU.

In addition to Handley and Smith, other missionaries also affirmed Sinterklaas’s clandestine church membership.   Elder Trevor Holmes, from Dayton, Ohio, stated for the record that “Santa saw how nice and happy the Mormons were and just knew that they had something special.” Elder Holmes further elaborated that giving up the pipe “was really no problem for Santa, but Mrs. Claus had lots of doubts and didn’t want to stop drinking tea.”  Elder Holmes then added, “oh, and she was worried about what her family in Florida would say.”

When asked about the sources for these claims, most missionaries cited other missionaries or friends who had recently been at the Missionary Training Center.  The other most often cited source were seminary teachers, who usually mentioned Santa’s secret baptism during lessons on other unacknowledged baptisms of people like Lionel Richie, Steve Martin, Travis Barker, Mike Weir, Elvis, Albus Dumbledore, and, most recently, Taylor Swift. Most of these seminary lessons seemed to include a component about how Bigfoot is Cain, a claim that is also universally affirmed at the MTC.