RECOVERING PORN ADDICT ALMOST DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH SO MUCH FREE TIME

David Winters now feels like
Robert Young from Father Knows Best

KEMP, TX—David Winters, recovering pornography addict, reported this week that he almost doesn’t know what to do with all of his free time.  Winters said that “last Saturday, in the time that I would have been ‘at the office getting things done,’ my old lie to cover a porn binge, I reorganized the garage, overseeded the lawn, took my three children to play laser tag, and whipped up a lobster bisque with homemade sourdough rolls for dinner.  I cannot believe how much free time I have now.”

According to Winters, that sort of productivity has been more or less typical of the 9 months he has spent actively recovering from his pornography addiction, a recovery facilitated with therapy, study, prayer, and participation in the church’s Addiction Recovery Program.

“I feel bad,” commented Winters, “for those that are just starting out.  They still have that tired, empty, and frightened look that I had when I was still spending hours looking for cheap thrills in videos of naked dental hygienists.”   

Winters’ newfound free time has also allowed him to pursue old pastimes.  He reported that he recently finished all of Tolstoy and Dostoyevsky’s major writings in the original Russian.  On this topic, Winters explained, “yah, I hadn’t really used my Russian since my mission (to Moscow), but I still spent less time on Crime and Punishment then I would have spent on the internet looking for pictures of sexy Bolivian postal workers.”  Winters added, “I think I’ll read Chekov and Akhmatova next.”

Besides the free time, Winters has also found a number of other unexpected benefits.  “I sleep a lot better when I travel, now that I’m not mindlessly captivated by porn-after-porn through the hotel cable that was so engrossing that I would not even realize I had watched it all night until the phone would ring with the wakeup call.”

Winters further stated that “now that I’m not involved with porn, it is much easier to not ‘American Beauty’ all of the teenage girls at my son’s church basketball games.  Now that I say that, I cannot believe how creepy that is.”

Things have also started to change for Winters and his wife Jess.  “Of course this has been really difficult for her, but, last week we did something really sexy—we held hands and went for a walk.  That may not sound like much, but with porn out of the way, it was great.  In the past, it would have taken me hours of looking at naughty French lunch ladies to get me nearly as excited.”

“Just the other day,” Winters noted, “I had that old knee-jerk paranoia when my wife happened upon my browser history.  It was great to not worry, but she did get excited when she realized that I had spent 15 hours over 9 days finally reading all of the entries in the family blog that she writes.”

Looking contented with his freedom and spare time, Winters concluded, “d***, with all this free time, I could even go home teaching!”