BLESSING IRREGULARITIES LEAD TO RELEASE OF AREA STAKE PATRIARCH

Brother Heberson's map of the Twelve Tribes

TUCSON, AZ—Stake patriarch Wendell Heberson was released last Sunday after what sources claim were irregularities in some of the Patriarchal blessings he had given.  One source close to the Tucson 9^th Stake leadership said that there had been concerns for some time about Heberson’s blessings. 

“It stated at least two years ago,” reported the source, “when Heberson’s unusually short blessing told a young man that he ‘was not among the valiant in God’s premortal army’ and that ‘mortality’s trials will take you far beyond your ability to withstand’.” 

That same source noted that the blessing promised that the young man would “arise well after lunch during Resurrection week” but would “nevertheless inherit his mansion in the Terrestrial Kingdom.”

This was not the only irregularity that came to the local leadership’s attention.  Approximately nine months ago Heberson had told three young men and one young woman that they would be “one of the two to preach repentance in Jerusalem” where “CNN would show, broadcasting through satellite dishes on housetops all over the world, their bodies in the streets until they resurrected, thereby bringing to an end to the ‘Ding Dong the Mormons Are Dead’ global wickedness party.” 

Heberson also promised all of them that their companion would be “a true and faithful servant, of goodly parents, large in stature, and known on the records of the church as one ‘Steve’.”

“At first,” explained another unnamed source, “we just thought that it was cool that so many people were from the tribes of Gad, Dan, and Naphtali, but once he started telling some that they were of the tribes of Ishtar and Zorro, we knew something was not right.”

A third source reported that what finally pushed stake leaders to act without delay was a blessing that promised one young woman that she would “one day, with authority and great glory, clear that den of thieves that is the Tucson 19^th Ward’s High Priest group, a group with which I, the Lord God, am not well pleased”