OCTOBER 2012 GENERAL CONFERENCE CRAWL

The watchers of the Church's Esperanto translation stream during last weekend's General Conference received an unexpected treat as headlines scrolled across the bottom of the screen providing further insights into the current state of the Church. Some of them were recorded by Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer correspondent Barley B. Bratt:

• Parking causes over 70% of conference goers to lose Spirit.
• Buenos Aires, Argentina; Orlando, Florida; Escondido, California; Chicago, Illinois; Chattanooga, Tennessee; and Tooele, Utah all submit proposals to host the April 2013 General Conference.
• It's 1 a.m. Do you know where your 18-year-old is? HE'S ON A MISSION!
• 15 almost interchangeable, white, elderly men revel in Church diversity.
• "Proclamation on Caffeine" soon to be available as frameable print. 
• Warning: if your 18-month-old child is being abnormally quiet and hiding behind the loveseat, expect imminent foul odors.
• Church considering selling Utah "to either the U.S. or maybe Mexico."
• Elder Jacob T. Phillips, currently serving in the Chile Santiago West Mission, had several impure thoughts last Tuesday and Wednesday morning.
• Deseret Book prods BYU professor to revise doctrinal book into "an inspirational doormat, or a T-shirt, maybe."
• Sudden intrusion by homeless man interrupts otherwise excellent Gospel Doctrine lesson on King Benjamin's sermon.
• Temples also to be built in Bacon, Texas; Big Ugly, West Virginia; and Satan's Kingdom, Utah.
• Several apostles shift nervously when speaker testifies that Book of Mormon is “just as historically verifiable as the woman caught in adultery and Jonah and the Whale.”
• Mobile, Alabama saint runs, becomes weary, walks, faints, loses temple recommend.
• Bonneville communications finds buyer for its 34% share (worth an estimated $12.4 million)  in the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer.