SPIRITS OF FORMER PRESIDENTS VISIT ROMNEY

Sort of like this...but different

By Barley B. Bratt

TAMPA, FL—According to reports, the spirits of several former United States presidents visited Mitt Romney only a few hours before the Republican National Convention. Multiple Romney staffers who would not give their names because of the sensitivity of the issue stated that while the soon-to-be-named Republican presidential candidate was preparing for the convention, the spirits of former presidents Martin Van Buren, James Buchanan, and Ulysses S. Grant appeared in Romney’s hotel room.

In a closed door meeting held soon after the vision, Romney described to his inner circle what he had both seen and heard. According to one staffer, Romney had most of the lights on in his room, “When suddenly, as he noticed some of the lights dim, three personages appeared to him.” Romney commented that they were immediately recognizable by their clothing, demeanor, and greyish countenances.

Another Romney staffer commented that all three seemed very pleased to see Mitt and were encouraging of his candidacy, hopeful that, in being the next president, he might follow in their footsteps. In addition, all three had advice for Romney, ranging from dealing with economic panics, interceding in state affairs in order to maintain political support, basing important decisions on poor evidence, and appointing the most advantageous advisors and officials.

Though pleased by such a manifestation, Romney reported that some aspects of the vision were perplexing.

“When he asked why none of the three had appeared to Wilford Woodruff in the St. George temple” explained one staffer, “all three looked around, mumbled, and paused awkwardly.”

“Grant, in a moment of sudden recollection,” according to reports, “explained that he was still alive in 1877.”

Staffers further elaborated that, according to Romney, “After some time, Buchanan said that he did not feel all that comfortable in Utah, and Van Buren said that he was [long pause] busy hearing the missionary discussions.”

Romney told staffers that Van Buren quickly added, “Yeah, um Joseph Smith was teaching me, since, um, we already had kind of met . . . before. It was good to see him again.”

According to Romney, Van Buren then added, “Isn’t Florida lovely, you know, without those pesky Seminoles running around?”

Before departing, all three expressed their hope for a Romney presidency and support for his policies, especially his approach toward immigration and dealing with people who “ain’t from around these parts.”