WHAT SENSITIVE CHURCH DOCUMENTS IS WIKILEAKS RELEASING?

MORMON DEMOCRATS AT DNC BASK IN WARM GLOW OF WHITE GUILT

CHARLOTTE, NC—Sitting in Time Warner Cable Arena, tears well up in Brenda Jensen’s eyes, as she watches Barack Obama speak and basks in the comforting glow of her white guilt.  Jensen (41) sees her attendance at the Democratic National Convention as an important step for Mormons everywhere.  “I live in Portland, Maine now,” said Jensen, “but I have always tried to set the example for other Mormons by loving all minorities and disadvantaged peoples. I was glad that in high school in Logan back in the eighties that we elected the only Mexican in our school to student council.  Even then I was overturning the past and building bridges.”

Jensen met with other like-minded Mormon liberals who found solace and purpose in the convention.  Colin Mason (24) from Beaverton, Oregon felt it was important to be there to “show the world that there are Mormons like me who would fully embrace black lesbian home teachers in wheel chairs if I needed a priesthood blessing or something.”  Mason added that the convention had renewed his hope that “one day, we will all sit together at one big sacrament table and everyone will bless and pass the gluten-free, organic bread, the pure spring water, and the hummus just like God intends us to do.”

A third conference attendee, Richard Morrison (31) from Chapel Hill, NC, also found the convention invigorating.  “I am sure others liked President Obama speech,” commented Morrison, “because of his message, but being a Mormon, it had special resonance for me.”  When asked to explain, Morrison continued, “Well, others just heard a good speech, but I could hear with Obama the prophetic words of King Benjamin about social justice and Joseph Smith’s proclamation of the coming united order.  Oh, I am so excited that I almost leapt out of my Birkenstocks and dropped my new MacBook Pro.”

MITT ROMNEY CALLED ON MISSION

By Barley B. Bratt

TAMPA, FL—Just days after being officially named as the Republican Party’s presidential candidate, Mitt Romney has been called to serve in the British Isles mission. According to reports, the call was made on Sunday during sacrament meeting at the Tampa Fourth Ward, where Romney was visiting. 

“You don’t see that kind of thing much these days,” mused Jacob Richards (68), a high priest in the ward. “We knew Romney was coming, what with all the Secret Service crawling around the bathrooms and everything, but when L. Tom Perry showed up, we were really surprised.”

“Elder Perry was talking about using the weak things of the world to spread the gospel,” remembers Brother Richards’ wife, Dorine (65), “and then he paused for a real long time and said that he felt inspired to call some priesthood brothers on missions at that very instant. We all thought that he’d call brother Lyman, since he’s so spiritual and retired—and Brother Dewey and Sister Dewey haven’t really been getting along, so I can see how the Lord might want him in the Sandwich Islands—but Mitt Romney was really a surprise.”

Romney’s staffers have scrambled to control any damage that the call might cause to Mitt’s bid for the presidency. One staffer, who did not want to be named, indicated that Romney himself seemed to be looking at a number of options, including reportedly “asking one of his sons to keep an eye on the country while he goes to serve the Lord.” Another staffer reported that Romney has altered his schedule somewhat and will make campaign stops in key East Coast swing states until he can catch the boat from New York to Liverpool.

Romney’s wife, Ann, though tearful about her husband’s imminent departure for an undetermined length of time, expressed gratitude for her children and grandchildren who can help maintain the family homestead and several vacation condos. Ann confided in one staffer that she wished that Mitt had been called, “like that Brother Hill, a few rows up from us, to the Southern State mission or even the Lamanite mission, and not in a foreign land so far away.”  

A third staffer seemed rather confused by some of the details. That staffer stated that “I think I heard Mitt say that he was going without even a purse or a script, so maybe Stefan Morris (a metrosexual staff speech writer) could help him out.”

SPIRITS OF FORMER PRESIDENTS VISIT ROMNEY

Sort of like this...but different

By Barley B. Bratt

TAMPA, FL—According to reports, the spirits of several former United States presidents visited Mitt Romney only a few hours before the Republican National Convention. Multiple Romney staffers who would not give their names because of the sensitivity of the issue stated that while the soon-to-be-named Republican presidential candidate was preparing for the convention, the spirits of former presidents Martin Van Buren, James Buchanan, and Ulysses S. Grant appeared in Romney’s hotel room.

In a closed door meeting held soon after the vision, Romney described to his inner circle what he had both seen and heard. According to one staffer, Romney had most of the lights on in his room, “When suddenly, as he noticed some of the lights dim, three personages appeared to him.” Romney commented that they were immediately recognizable by their clothing, demeanor, and greyish countenances.

Another Romney staffer commented that all three seemed very pleased to see Mitt and were encouraging of his candidacy, hopeful that, in being the next president, he might follow in their footsteps. In addition, all three had advice for Romney, ranging from dealing with economic panics, interceding in state affairs in order to maintain political support, basing important decisions on poor evidence, and appointing the most advantageous advisors and officials.

Though pleased by such a manifestation, Romney reported that some aspects of the vision were perplexing.

“When he asked why none of the three had appeared to Wilford Woodruff in the St. George temple” explained one staffer, “all three looked around, mumbled, and paused awkwardly.”

“Grant, in a moment of sudden recollection,” according to reports, “explained that he was still alive in 1877.”

Staffers further elaborated that, according to Romney, “After some time, Buchanan said that he did not feel all that comfortable in Utah, and Van Buren said that he was [long pause] busy hearing the missionary discussions.”

Romney told staffers that Van Buren quickly added, “Yeah, um Joseph Smith was teaching me, since, um, we already had kind of met . . . before. It was good to see him again.”

According to Romney, Van Buren then added, “Isn’t Florida lovely, you know, without those pesky Seminoles running around?”

Before departing, all three expressed their hope for a Romney presidency and support for his policies, especially his approach toward immigration and dealing with people who “ain’t from around these parts.”