SCRIPTURE DISCREPANCIES LEAD FOUR ROMNEY STAFFERS TO RESIGN

By Barley B. Bratt

This is NOT the NRA

BOSTON, MA—Sources close to Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney confirmed that four of Romney’s staffers resigned effective Monday, July 17th. All four staffers happen to be members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and apparently all had worshiped together on Sunday July 16. Early indications are that elements of the previous day’s Sunday School lesson dealing with chapters 23 through 29 of the book of Alma in the Book of Mormon led to their resignations.

One staffer was Margaret Peat (24) originally from Oxnard, California. Peat reportedly told other Romney volunteers that she could not ignore Romney’s connections with the National Rifle Association. “When the Lamanites converted to the Lord,” Peat explained, “they buried their weapons. They didn’t stockpile them or irrationally defend the right to carry the most lethal killing machines ever invented.”

A second staffer, David Berg (23) from Arlington, Virginia wrote a lengthy resignation note to Romney pointing out the discrepancy between his immigration policy and the Nephite approach to the influx of Anti-Nephi-Lehis. Part of Berg’s letter read, “I don’t want a commander-in-chief who builds walls and scares the vulnerable when the Nephite chief judge not only welcomed immigrants but vowed to protect them.”

Barlow’s close friend Nathan Yates (26) from Falls Church, Virginia reportedly vacillated on those immigration policy conflicts. When Yates had argued that maybe the Nephites “just let them come to pick fruit,” Berg pointed out that the Anti-Nephi-Lehis, unlike undocumented immigrants in the United States, were specifically not treated as slaves.

The fourth staffer, Vince Payton (23) from Hollywood, Florida left after Romney rejected his proposal to rename the Republican party the Anti-Lincoln-Washingtons.