ALTERNATIVE GUIDE TO CHICK-FIL-A APPRECIATION DAY

Wednesday, August 1 marks Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day, when those who approve of Chick-fil-A’s stance against gay marriage will eat at their local Chick-fil-A franchise. Other groups will also be showing their support for various forms of marriage by eating at various restaurants. To make sure our readers don’t get caught making the wrong political statement at lunch, following is an official list of which groups will be eating where.

PROVO RIVER TRAIL RAPES DEEMED “NOT NICE!”

By Amy Chamberlain

PROVO, UT—Some female members of the north Provo LDS population have grown tired of the many rapes and other acts of aggression that have taken place along the Provo River Trail over the last several years. 

“It’s gotten to the point where we’re like, okay, enough already,” says Mailee Nuttall, Young Women’s President of the Provo 97^th ward. “We want to use the Provo River Trail without fear. And besides, raping is just not nice.”

To combat the problem, Relief Society and Young Women groups from three north Provo and two south Orem stakes formed a group. “While we don’t recommend taking the law into your own hands as a general rule,” says Provo North Stake Relief Society President Bonnie Poulson, “in this case, we had to do something.”

The group launched a “full-scale resistance,” according to Poulson, that includes making and placing signs strategically along the Provo River trail. “This may be harsh,” says her first counselor, Pat Anderson, “but we are warriors in God’s army, and we feel that this is the right move.”

The signs carry messages like “Please don’t rape us; it’s mean!” and “Why don’t you try asking us out on a date instead of attacking us? We’ll probably say yes” and “Is rape something that Jesus would have you do? NO!!!”

“I think it’s that third exclamation point that shows potential rapists how very, very serious we are,” says Southeast Orem Stake Young Women’s President Wendi Bascombe.

Bascombe’s second counselor, Darlene Schiffer, points out that sign-making is only one of an aggressive three-pronged campaign. “The signs are pretty tough on their own,” she says, “but we’re also staging a leaflet giveaway. At strategic points along the trail, young women are handing out For the Strength of Youth pamphlets and blue lollipops, since blue is for virtue.”

The women also plan on writing stern notes to convicted rapists in the area, asking them to “please try dancing with us at stake dances” rather than raping when they are let out of prison.

New LDS Temple to Counteract Nearby Krishna Temple

By Christopher Bigelow

Krishna and Mormon will soon collide in Payson, Utah.

PAYSON, UT—In southern Utah County, it's a tale of two temples. For several years now, the Sri Sri Radha Krishna Temple has been bringing local people to Krishna Consciousness. Meanwhile, the LDS Church is currently building its new Payson Utah Temple nearby.

"There's no doubt in our minds that the Krishnas are trying to steal our children," said local LDS stake president DeVern Parry. "I mean, look on their temple website. They specifically give transit directions from BYU. We needed our own temple to counteract this spiritual confusion, and Salt Lake finally understood the urgency."

Each year, Parry noted, the Krishna temple holds a "filthy, pagan" color festival, during which participants throw colored powders into the air and onto each other. "When I looked in with my binoculars last year, every other shirt was a BYU shirt," Parry said. "They'll let anyone trample through their so-called temple without any kind of recommend or anything. I tell you, the Woodstock hippies had nothing on these people."

Local Krishna leader Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupad says he doesn't understand the fuss. "We are simply doing our own version of that which has been done in other religions. Regardless of a person's religious background, we can help them develop spiritual maturity and equip them for service in the temple and for their life mission in the world, in order to magnify Krishna’s Holy Name."

"It makes me sick," said Parry. "This last spring, I overheard two Mormon young people making plans to go to the color festival. One said, 'Let's dress all in white and go do a temple session.' I tell you, it's an outright mockery of sacred things. If we left the Krishnas unchecked down here, we'd soon have a generation of Lamanites on our hands."

While a dedication date has not yet been set for the Payson Utah Temple, local sources confirmed that a color festival will be held annually on the temple grounds. "But it will be Mormon style," an anonymous source said. "Only the three primary colors, and only one teaspoon of powder per person. Temple workers will be standing by with vacuums to take care of the dust. We'll have a regional choir perform, not these pseudo-religious rock bands like the Krishnas do. Our kids will love it—there won't be any draw for them to worship with the Krishnas anymore."

NEVILLE O. MAXWELL STRUGGLES WITH SEEMINGLY STRANGLING SELF-DOUBT

By Barley B. Bratt

Stoic saint stands sturdily before Shopko.

SPRINGVILLE, UT—Neville O. Maxwell, grandson of the late apostle Neal A. Maxwell, recently expressed to his bishop that there are times “when the white and wooly waves of worry whip me on my weary way.”   Seeking comfort and guidance, Maxwell conceded that the “mortal clock rarely ticks with that of the Messiah’s miraculous, millennial machinery.”  

A previous bishop had suggested Maxwell take evening walks to ponder the challenges of teaching his Valiant 9 class and working 35 hours a week at Shopko.  Reporting positively on this counsel, Maxwell expressed how “So often enlightenment has come with the day’s gradual darkening, bringing with it a provident and prudent pondering of how better to shepherd my fresh and feisty young flock of primary fledglings while also storing and restoring that which has become separated from its Shopko shelf sanctuary.”  

Pressing further, Bishop Peters asked if Maxwell did not perhaps feel that he should have a job more in keeping with his skills and interests, and perhaps a calling that would allow him to develop more of his talents.  To this Neville responded, “Oft, in lonely rooms, and mid the din of towns and cities, the material gravity of fallen flesh has fueled a fiery and flying envy toward (elders quorum president) Steve Allen, my childhood yet often churlish onetime chum.”  

Neville, who recently turned 24, also told the bishop of his concerns about not being married. “I believe that it was Milton,” Neville said, “who put it so eloquently: ‘Some, happily married, seated, need not wait / But they also serve who only stand and date’.”

What are over-30-year-old LDS singles doing to attract an eternal companion?

Building altar to Lex de Azevedo.

Emphasizing sweet spirit; bank account.

Being content if a date can trace ancestry back only to Charlemagne instead of Adam and Eve.

Removing burka.

Holding off on committing date to read And They Were Not Ashamed until second date.

Advertising during General Conference.

Picking up date in Econoline van.

Reconsidering stance on polyandry.

Receiving extra endowments from plastic surgeon.

Using mail order to convert Russian women to the Church.

Uncovering any pair of feet available.

Avoiding rashes as a conversation starter.

Changing Facebook status to "So tired of dating hot guys with huge earning potential. Ready to try something new!"

Keep praying they'll install Sprite-and-Fanta bars in temple lobbies.

CHURCH DENIES PAGEANT TARGETING WOMEN CALLED "MAGIC MORONI"

By Barley B. Bratt

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has denied rumors that it is developing a new pageant. The denial came in response to alleged Church documents leaked to the press referring to a show targeted at women called “Magic Moroni.” 

Church spokesman Peter Andrews clarified that “We are not developing any new pageants and certainly not one for Las Vegas featuring Nephite priesthood holders with perfect cheekbones and chiseled abs glistening with sweat.”

Andrews was responding to a variety of rumors, some claiming that the show would draw upon the notoriety of current movies as well as a widely popular set of books of particular interest to women. Andrews also clarified that the Church had not sent out a call for 2000 incredibly handsome, well-built men to act as “stripping warriors.” 

Andrews stated categorically that rumors that the show’s tagline would be “He’ll be Joseph and you can be Potiphar’s Wife” were “completely unfounded.” 

What staff position has Mitt promised you?

White House Staff Garment Line Inspector 

 

Director of Presidential Table Centerpieces

 

President of the Third Quorum of the Council of 50

 

Head of the Environmental Stewardship but Jesus Will Be Here Soon Anyhow Agency

Briefing Room Opening and Closing Prayer Coordinator

White House Vinyl Lettering Decorator

Committee to Erase Lilburn Boggs from National Memory 

National Youth Conference Trek Coordinator

Secretary of Ice Cream

Head of Passive Aggression

Cleon Skousen National Monument Committee Head

Avenger upon Illinois