WHAT BOOKS ARE KEEPING OUR KIDS QUIET DURING SACRAMENT MEETING?

FAITHFUL LDS TEEN WORRIED HE MIGHT BE VEGETARIAN

Faber suffers from the appetite that dares not speak its name.

By Barley B. Bratt
 

LOUISVILLE, KY—To look at him, Marcus Faber (name changed to protect his identity) would appear to be an orthodox Latter-day Saint. He goes to church and to youth activities, he has only two merit badges to finish before becoming an Eagle Scout, and he avoids swearing. But beneath this bright veneer lurks a dark secret—an attraction he battles on a daily basis.

“Some of my so-called friends really tried to twist the scriptures, especially D&C 89, to make my unnatural attraction seem all right,” Faber said. But other, more faithful friends, have been helping him deal with his difficulties. 

“When I told my two closest friends about my . . . well, they were pretty disgusted at first. After all, we had been to scout camp together.  But now they’re helpful.  If we go to a buffet and they see me drifting towards the fruit, they grab my arm, hum a Primary song, and lead me toward the pot roast.”

Though Faber tried to keep his disturbing secret from his parents, one day his mother caught him watching “It Gets Better” videos from PETA. “From the look on her face, I could tell that the puzzle had just come together for her: the family barbecues I had ‘forgotten;’ the stashes of snap peas under my bed; the Peter Singer anthology on my bookshelf. At least she didn’t walk in five minutes earlier when I was drooling over YouTube videos of sizzling tofu.”

“She was pretty brave about it,” Faber remembers, “but I could see it was breaking her heart. Her dreams of a wedding dinner with Vienna sausages, bacon wraps, and a full cutting station might be gone forever.”

Faber has yet to talk with his father about it, though he did overhear his parents discussing his tendencies late one night. Though his father was trying to keep his voice low, Faber could still hear him utter, “This is just the beginning! Soon he’ll be voting Democrat, going to the University of Utah—or worse, studying philosophy at BYU. Who knows what gutter Marcus might end up in!”

“The worst part, though,” Faber gulped, tears shining in his eyes, “was when Dad said, ‘He has to understand that God would not make a person who only wants to eat artichokes, onions, sugar beets, peas, and carrots! Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone?’”

PUT ON THE SWEATPANTS OF RIGHTEOUSNESS

POINT/COUNTERPOINT: The Upcoming Presidential Election

Point  

This upcoming election poses some real dilemmas for me.

By Marianne Reese, Homemaker, Plymouth Ward, Plymouth MN 

This upcoming election poses some real dilemmas for me. While I may feel more comfortable with elements of Romney’s social agenda, I don’t want to vote with all of the newly energized homophobes who are suddenly converted to Mitt’s form of Christianity. I’m not excited about Obama’s approach to the rising healthcare dilemma, but, let’s be honest, his policies sound much closer to King Benjamin’s ideas than the GOP’s Korihor approach of “every man (sic) prospers according to his (sic) genius.” Behind that is the concern that maybe I still have racist hangups, and that is why I feel more comfortable with the LDS default: a white man as leader.

Of course this could all be for naught. If the Greeks get out of the EU, and if their departure triggers cascading bankruptcies which spill over into Spain, Portugal, and Italy, and if that causes anything like panic in global financial markets, then that economic chaos will surely gift the election to Romney no matter what I determine. Still, in any case, as a citizen and member of the Church, it is my duty to thoughtfully and prayerfully come to a decision as to who I will vote for.  

Counterpoint  

I'm totally voting for Romney 

By Ted Harper, American Fork 45th Ward, American Fork, UT 

He’s Mormon!