National Report on LDS Religion Shocking, Soporific

Lutheran Pastor Gregory McLaren uncovers the dark secrets of Mormonism.

By Amy Chamberlain

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—A consortium of highly-respected theologians, pastors, and other religious leaders from around the country released a ground-breaking report this week revealing “the real LDS Church”—the mysterious parts of Mormonism that lurk in shadow.

Titled “An Analysis of the Social, Political, and Theological Deviations of Latter-Day Saints,” the report is the culmination of six months of exhaustive, in-depth study by more than two hundred religious experts who embedded themselves in wards and branches throughout the country trying to uncover the hidden aspects of a religion that has polarized American opinion for more than 150 years

The results are shocking.

“Basically, it’s the most boring thing ever,” says Max Rubin Cohen, a professor of early American religion at Princeton University. “I mean, I thought being a Jew was a drag, with all the wailing and moaning about our 5,000 years of bad luck. But when I was a boy going to synagogue, at least I never had to endure a High Priest talking for twenty-five minutes about the glories of food storage.”

“Please let me go home now,” says Lutheran pastor Gregory L. McLaren from Wisconsin. “If I have to go to one more ward “potato bar” dinner and eat ranch dressing with extra-extra-mild cheddar cheese, I may shoot myself. Have these people never heard of hot sauce? Or at least cumin? I’m from the Midwest, and even my childhood food was not this bland.”

Universal Unitarian minister Kelly Chen says that her foray into LDS life raises more questions than it answers. “This is the religion that’s causing all the political furor?” she asks. “Really? The one where the women meet once a month to discuss how to decorate their homes with vinyl lettering?”

“REALLY?” she adds.

In response to the report, Church spokesman F. DeVonn Quackenbush released this statement: “We regret to learn that our visitors did not enjoy the wholesome, budget-friendly food and recreation that their host wards provided. We urge them to keep coming to church regularly; there are dark, mysterious, and peculiar practices within the LDS sphere that they just haven’t encountered yet. We promise. Keep coming and eventually we’ll let you in on all the juicy stuff.”